shanmonster: (On the stairs)
I will be reading one of my very naughty stories on Friday, January 20th, at this year's Cliterature event. Please come show your support of local artists celebrating women's sexuality! It's gonna be hottt with three tees!

Doors open at 6, and the show starts at 7 at the Registry Theatre, 122 Frederick Street, Kitchener. Tickets are $15 for the one night, or $25 for the whole weekend. Buy your tickets soon, because the show always sells out. Proceeds go to Tri-Pride. Tickets are available at Encore Records (54 Queen St. South, Kitchener) and at Gen X (10 Regina St., Waterloo). For more information, check out the FaceBook page.

[Cliterature]
shanmonster: (On the stairs)
This is a repost from February 16, 2000

I just found another interesting site. This one is called Victims of Pornography. The site seems to exposit the view that pornography ultimately victimizes good Christians.

Here is the list of victims from their opening page:
  1. Wives of men pre-occupied with pornography and the sex industry.
  2. Women who are being treated with disrespect and sexually abused.
  3. Young women trapped in an industry that exploits them and uses them as mere sex objects.
  4. Boys and girls that have lost their innocence by viewing pornography at an early age.
  5. Children used for the sexual satisfaction of fathers, stepfathers, and men they trusted.
  6. Young men exposed to a false image of sexuality.
  7. Men who just can't stop using pornography or stimulating themselves while recalling those images.
  8. Society that has become desensitized to the pure nature of sexuality.
  9. Neighbors that have increased crime and decreased property values because of the proliferation of pornography in
    their communities.
Wow. Porn really sucks, doesn't it? Look at all those poor victims in Leave-It-To-Beaver-Land. Tsk tsk.

Let's look at things from the other side of this beautiful, white picket fence. I know it's a huge leap, but let's pretend I am a porn star. Here's how it all happened:

I was stuck in a go-nowhere job. I knew if I didn't find something better-paying soon, I'd end up on welfare, or living out of a cardboard box. On my days off, I went from business to business, trying to get a fulltime job doing anything from pretzel-making to telemarketing, but had no luck. Then, one fateful day, a nude Ron Jeremy drove into town and said, "You can be a star!" Asia Carrera was beside him in his fancy car, wearing thigh-high leather boots, crotchless knickers, and an orange feather boa.

"I can really be a star?" I asked. "That's all well and good, but I'm already a minor internet celebrity, and the only money I get from that is a pittance from my affiliation with amazon.com."

"Oh, we can change all that," he said. "You can get rich quick! Pornography is a very lucrative industry."

"But I really don't want to boff a bunch of people. Promiscuity isn't really my thing," I explained. "In fact, I think I'd like to be a born-again virgin."

"That's okay," said Asia. "You don't necessarily have to have sex to be in the pornography business. You could be a dominatrix. I see you already have the boots for it."

I smiled happily, looking down at my lace-up shitkickers. Then I watched in anticipation as she reached into a large, black leather case and pulled out a cat o' nine tails. She twitched it lightly on one patent-leatherclad leg, then passed it to me. "Give it a whirl," she coaxed.

I flicked it in the air, and listened as the leather bits made a lovely swishing sound, then I smacked Ron's flabby grey arse. "On your knees, worm!" I crowed.

"That's the spirit," said Ron. "You're well on your way to a career in pornography!"

"Wow!" I cried. "I'll never have to be exploited in the grocery business ever again."

"That is true," said Asia. "However, you must realize you may be victimizing the wives of good, Christian men who really ought to be praying instead of looking at naughty magazines, videos, and websites. In fact, while you're looking so sexy in your latex body stockings and waist cinchers, conservative Baptist men will be paying for the privilege of being sworn at while doing your housework and wearing frilly white panties."

"Hmm, that will be a tough issue. I don't know if my conscience could take people willingly paying for my services.... Yeah, right!"

Ron interjected. "There are some other things you might like to know. Women are being disrespected and being sexually abused."

"Oh, I wouldn't do that," I said.

"Oh, that's okay, then," said Ron. "Before I forget, I have to tell you that you'll also be trapped in an industry which treats you like a sex object."

"But isn't it an industry that will also give me, er, pardon the expression, more bang for my buck? I mean, I work very very hard all day hustling heavy bags of flour and dogfood, I'm not allowed to go to the bathroom or have a glass of water with me, I don't have enough time on my break to eat properly, and I don't make enough money to pay the rent or buy the very food I sell all day. I'm treated like an automaton. I'd rather be a sex symbol than a mindless robot. How can being a wage slave be seen as less exploitative than making enough money to live quite comfortably on without suffering anything more than a possible mishap in my personal dungeon?"

"Beats me," said Asia, "but we still have to tell you that. It's the Christian thing to do."

Ron coughed. "There's also the matter of the children."

"Children? What children?" This confused me.

"Any children," said Ron, "if they see pornography, they will lose their innocence."

"Innocence? I don't believe children are necessarily innocent. I never saw porn when I was a kid, but you should've seen the stuff I got up to! Besides, I really think a kid accidentally seeing a porno is much more preferable than a kid seeing her or his parents come home from work too tired to do anything but scream at one another, or throw frying pans and knives about the room."

Asia frowned. "But if a kid sees sex, that would be very, very bad."

This exasperated me. "That's all well and good for people who can afford homes with privacy, but imagine you lived in an igloo, grass hut, or teepee. Do you really think adults having sex had separate bedrooms from the children?"

Ron laughed. "Probably not! The kids would've just thought bumping uglies was a normal part of being a grownup."

Asia adjusted an elastic on her undies. "But some people think porn makes people fuck little kids."

"That's horrible!" I said. "Why would they ever think that?"

"I don't know," she answered, "but some people believe that."

I thought about this for a moment. "Well, people are weird, that way. Some folks also believe deities actually listen raptly to their Thanksgivings prayers."

Ron ogled Asia for a moment as she finished fixing her knickers, then adjusted his own crotch. "There are just three more things we need to bring up. Number one: some men just can't stop using porn, or they just can't stop stimulating themselves while thinking about porn."

"Some people can't stop eating, either. It doesn't mean food is bad. It just means the person has an addictive personality."

"Fair enough," said Asia. "Number two: Society has become desensitized to the pure nature of sexuality."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"I haven't the foggiest," said Ron, "unless it means that pure sex is sex in zero G without any sort of distraction. Hey! That sounds like fun! You don't suppose that's what they do up on the shuttles, is it?"

"Number three," interrupted Asia, "is increased crime and decreased property values due to pornography."

"Increased crime?" I asked incredulously. "What, do people shoplift pornos more than any other item? I always thought increased crime was blamed on smack addicts rather than Hustler models. Bizarre. As for decreased property values, well, I will admit a lot of exotic dance clubs have tacky decor. Maybe if more interior decorators joined the pornography business, it would lose much of its social stigma. Do you really think Hugh Hefner's nextdoor neighbours are complaining their homes are losing their value because of their proximity to the Playboy Mansion? I doubt it."

"Wow! You're absolutely right! First you pick out your porn name, and then you sign this contract." He pulled a piece of scented paper out of Asia's black case.

"Okay, so how do I pick out my porn name?"

"It's a piece of cake," purred Asia. "Just pick one of your favourite pet's names, then tack on the name of a street you used to live on."

"Then that makes me Mistress FooFoo Odell. I like it! Show me the contract, please."

Ron passed me the contract with a flourish. "Here you go!"

Eagerly, I scanned over the fine print. I faltered on one particular line. "Wait a minute, it says here I need to get implants."

"Is there a problem with that," asked Asia. "I have implants, and I like them just fine." She swayed forward, and her bosom wobbled just like the real thing.

"No, that's not the problem. It's just that I don't have the money for that sort of thing. Isn't there such a thing as flat-chested porn stars?"

"Not in North America, FooFoo. But that's okay." Ron reached into Asia's butt and hauled out a wad of cash. This will be more than enough to get you nice bigguns."

I signed the contract and gingerly took the money (since Asia keeps her bum nice and clean, the money wasn't as gross as some of the cash handed to me at Sobeys by really scary customers) from Ron and put it in my purse. "Perhaps you could recommend a good plastic surgeon. I don't want wonky hooters."

The next day, I showed up for my last day of work at Sobeys. My co-workers marveled at the size of my newly-expanded chest. Indeed, I no longer fit in my uniform. "I'm quitting," I informed the head cashier. "I've found myself a job with better pay and better hours."
shanmonster: (Liothu'a)
I Have Loved My Horrible Self, Lord.
I Rose, Lord, and I Rose, Lord, And I
Dropt. Your Requirements, Lord. 'Spite Your Requirements, Lord,
I Have Loved The Low Voltage Of The Moon, Lord,
Until There Was No Moon Intensity Left, Lord, No Moon Intensity Left
For You, Lord. I Have Loved The Frivolous, The Fleeting, The Frightful
Clouds. Lord, I Have Loved Clouds! Do Not Forgive Me, Do Not
Forgive Me LordandLover, HarborandMaster, GuardianandBread, Do Not.
Hold Me, Lord, O, Hold Me

Accountable, Lord. I Am
Accountable, Lord.

Lord It Over Me,
Lord It Over Me, Lord. Feed Me

Hope, Lord. Feed Me
Hope, Lord, Or Break My Teeth.

Break My Teeth, Sir,

In This My Mouth.

- by Olena Kalytiak Davis

(thanks, [livejournal.com profile] polymexina)
shanmonster: (On the stairs)
An interview with the guy who invented the Real Doll. Probably NSFW. Creepy, and fascinating, all at the same time.

Honey Pie from California is a place. on Vimeo.

shanmonster: (Liothu'a)
I skipped ahead with my Latin. I guess I was tired of reading the lovey-dovey love poetry. It's time to talk dirty:

Ad Aurelium et Furium.

Hey. What else should I be doing at this time of night?

Cherries

Oct. 22nd, 2009 09:12 pm
shanmonster: (Tiger claw)
Savarotica )

The Model

Oct. 7th, 2009 05:38 pm
shanmonster: (On the stairs)
Just to prove I am capable of writing "normal" erotica, here's a piece I wrote back in 1994.

Enjoy! )
shanmonster: (Liothu'a)
I was challenged to write something truly horrible, and not being one to refuse such a revulsive challenge, I went for it.

This is probably not safe for your lunchtime.

It is the tale of a rhyming disease-smith, magical components which emit potent emotions, and two hapless elves.

I've done better endings, but I was eager for this one to be finished. Enjoy.

NSFW )
shanmonster: (Tiger claw)
I thought of kung fu vore, and then enacted it. Welcome the birth of a new, fucked-up internet fetish.

[Watch mine!]
shanmonster: (Default)
xrocket2000
would love Marrow to give me a forced cheeseburger and to get pregnant by me ;)

Marrow
You good at nice fight? How many baby you make? What most big thing you kill by self?

xrocket2000
Marrow's feet will be licked and kissed by me...Marrow can have ass on my face and shove foot in my ass,,,Marrow can fight with mr...I will make her pregnant 5 times

Marrow
What for Marrow need foot get licked? That not what foot of fury for! You not make Marrow pregnant five time unless you win at breeding pit.

xrocket2000
I'm good at nice fight...I want fight at the breeding pit with Marrow :)

Marrow
What you bring as tribute?

xrocket2000
wine, and money for Marrow... $100,,,,will Marrow battle?

Marrow
Fah! Marrow have no need for meatsack money!

xrocket2000
what does Marrow have a need for? sorry if I upset Marrow

Marrow
Pah! It no good to say you sorry for bad tribute. It more better for make good tribute! Marrow not want wine. Marrow not want meatsack money. Marrow want meat of ice elf. If you catch ice elf and bring to Marrow, Marrow make nice fight with you. If you catch ice elf and bring to Marrow, that mean you mighty warrior and good at not nice fight.

xrocket2000
I will bring fresh meat for Marrow and will make baby with her...I want to make Marrow pregnant...

Marrow
Marrow not want meat. Marrow mighty hunter. Marrow want ice elf. Go away unless you bring.

xrocket2000
I will bring Marrow ice elf...I love that Marrow is good, tough hunter

Marrow
Huh. That right.
shanmonster: (Default)


Believe it or not, I'm an affiliate. Get graped, and I get money out of it.

Why am I so amused?
shanmonster: (On the stairs)
I have a temporary roommate. His name is Jimmy, and he is my fiancé. The proposal came about this way. He was sleeping in my office while I was on my computer this morning. He was moaning and purring in his sleep, sounding all the world like Eartha Kitt, may she rest in peace. I decided I'd give him a happy wake-up call, and made him a nice cup of cinnamon hazelnut coffee, and while he slept with the bluebird quilt my grandmother made me decades ago, I crept up to him and whispered, "Jimmy. Jimmy.... I have something for you."

His hands slowly crept out from beneath the quilt, and I pressed them around the steaming cup of coffee, and then his head poked out from under the covers, like a big, happy butterfly emerging from its chrysalis, and his face erupted into a smile.

"MARRY ME!" he commanded.

Apparently, no one has ever woken him up with coffee before.

I'm still not sure when the wedding will take place, but there you go.

Later, we went out for breakfast, with Becki and James in attendance, and then went to the park for a day of archery and kite-flying. I caught on to the whole archery concept much more quickly than I thought, although my inner elbow is magnificently bruised, swollen, and blood blistered from the many times I held the bow incorrectly and twanged the string on myself. I also have calluses and blisters on my fingers. I can't wait to do it again, tomorrow.

Later, James staged a mock hold-up with bow and arrow on the local convenience store. I hope to get the photo from it, soon. All I can say is, I'm glad the old lady had left and that the shop keeper knows us, or there could have been an unfortunate misunderstanding.

[livejournal.com profile] f00dave took me out to supper tonight, and afterwards, I tried on PVC clothes, and found myself walking out of the local smut shop with a lovely little black feather thingamabob (which I've promised not to stick up his nose) and one of these. It's for my back, of course.

Now, if I could only do this, my day would be complete.
shanmonster: (On the stairs)
[Marrow]Sometimes I do dramatic readings.

This is Marrow, my Orcish alter-ego (please ignore the melted makeup. It was hot and I hadn't touched up....) reading erotic poetry from The Perfumed Garden.

Marrow is a sexpot.

After talking like that for four days, I had a very difficult time finding my real voice again. Luckily, I managed to teach my dance class with my normal voice and cadence, and not Marrow's. But it was tough....

If you want to join the fun, Underworld has a tavern night coming up on February 21. Join us! The first hit is free....


shanmonster: (On the stairs)
I did a mini photo-shoot tonight of some play piercings. Check 'em out....

[Ouch]

[Ouch]

[Ouch]
shanmonster: (Peeking)
Yet I apparently flirted incorrigibly with a raver by the name of Mark at the dance party Thursday night. [livejournal.com profile] snowy_kathryn was sure it was a sign of the apocalypse.

I have no recollection of this, but I apparently hugged him numerous times. And all because of one tasty, tasty chocolatini.

What the heck?

When did I become such a cheap drunk?

Last night at game, I had a bit of whiskey. One of the guys I game with is a masochist with a love of spankings.

Today, my hand and fingers are swollen.

I have no recollection of spanking anyone, yet....

Naaa. It didn't happen.
shanmonster: (Da Vinci ShanMonster)
Today I finally lit up my poi and spun them. It's the first time I've spun fire in about two years. I'll be doing it again.

I also lit [livejournal.com profile] snowy_kathryn on fire (on purpose, and unrelated to the fire poi...). I'm not particularly interested in creating human wicks, though, and only did it to say I'd set someone alight.

I also did a little fire cupping, which is about the weirdest-looking thing I've ever done. Kathryn now looks like she's been attacked by an octopus. That was rather fun, in a squicky sort of way.

What did you do today?
shanmonster: (Spasmolytic)
I didn't make it to dance class last night because I'm just feeling downright shitty. My plague is determined to turn itself into a full-on head cold, but I'm trying to fight it off. The battle rages on. Tissues are dying by the score, falling into their wastepaper basket graves after being riddled with yellow-green holes thanks to my shotgun nose. My chest occasionally fills with napalm, courtesy of my asthma. And still I soldier on....

Even if I'm not better by Sunday, I'm going to fill myself full of cold/flu tablets and go to Jillina's workshop in Scarborough.

If all goes well, I'll be attending a wholly different sort of workshop early in December: fire play and Polynesian fire poi. I'm more interested in the latter, as I'm not particularly interested in setting people alight (although it will be interesting to watch).

My costuming endeavours have met with a snag. The lovely silk I've been using will not lie flat when I sew, so the triangular panels I want to add to my belt are less isosceles and more scalene. I think I'm going to scrap the triangle idea and go for plain old edging. It'll still look nice, and I'll waste far less of my precious fabric this way. Maybe I'll just use pretty ribbon for fancy detailing work. I'll have to look through my collection and see what I can find....

Oooh! I found some very nifty stuff, indeed. Who'd have thought bright green rick-rack would go so well with PVC and silk? And I found some scary old earrings (given to me by [livejournal.com profile] elanya and [livejournal.com profile] longpig along with a collection of beads) which will set the whole thing off beautifully. Now, to figure out how to attach those earrings.

The lacing and tassels (I'm still not sure if I'll use tassels) will be made of some gorgeous rayon/cotton yarn I bought a while back. With just the silk it doesn't really work, but when I bring those earrings into the mix, I think it really pops. We shall see.

I never would have thought black PVC would be so versatile. And to think so many people only think of decorating it with silver metal. It's a waste, I tell you. A waste!

By the way, I tried hanging the PVC in the bathroom while it was nice and steamy, but to no avail. I may try ironing a bit on low heat under a damp towel next.

Completely unrelated, I know, but Tazo Chai is delicious! [livejournal.com profile] snowy_kathryn made some, and I'm savouring mine before I grab a much-needed shower. Honestly, I showered last night, but I smell like a ripening cheeseburger this morning. What's with that?

And now for some links:

[Cybernetic hair curlers?]Hitachi: Commercial Mind-Machine Interface by 2011: And when you take it off your head, your hair is in perfect little ringlets! Heh...

Artificial Intelligence
When Humans Transcend Biology
: "People have created systems that can tell the difference between a dog and a cat using the millions of pictures of dogs and cats that you can now get from google." I'm a little dubious. Can it tell the difference between a stylized cartoon dog and cat? I can.

Beverage firm offers pea-flavored soda: Mmmm.... They also sell turkey and gravy-flavoured pop. Perfect for Christmas, hmm?

Weird Foods from Around the World: I'm fond of a few of these, like dulse (it's great wrapped around popcorn!).

Some Newfoundland Phrases, Sayings, and Figures of Speech: Almost makes me homesick for Newfoundland. Almost. Nice place to visit, but I never want to live there again.

I really don't give a fiddle's fart about politics, but this photo is just too good not to share. Enjoy!
[Political pyjama party]
shanmonster: (Default)
The next day, [livejournal.com profile] f00dave and I went poking around downtown Halifax. We went to Junk and Foibles: one of my favourite shops in Halifax. Being broke, I didn't buy anything, but f00 did purchase a couple of cheapy pins. His reads "Expect More." Mine says "Fight-Dancing," which is about as appropriate as anything I'd seen. When I put the pin on, the shopkeeper told me I look violent.

I'm still not sure how to take that. )
shanmonster: (Don't just sing it--bring it!)
The bus ride to Halifax from Fredericton is a long one, and mostly uneventful. The most exciting thing that happened was on the switchover in Moncton. That's where I witnessed a worker loading new luggage on the bus. As I watched, he tossed a box with a big green FRAGILE sticker into the bus. It fell off the stack and bounced back to the ground. So he picked it up and flung it back in, where it did the same thing. He dribbled the fragile box in this way for quite some time, which is making me rethink bringing my printer back with me to Ontario on the plane. Eep.

We arrived in Halifax a half hour before Midori's first workshop. )
shanmonster: (Elbow smash dance move!)
I won't be running tomorrow morning, after all. It looks like I'll be teaching a private dance class. That sounds like more fun than running, anyhow, and it gets me some much-needed money.

[livejournal.com profile] f00dave and I will be going on an adventure come Monday. We're going to the Midori workshops in Halifax. Excellent. I wanted to, all along, and we still have (most of) our workshop spots guaranteed/prepaid. I'll finally get to meet the famous Midori, and the famous [livejournal.com profile] zeuberwench, too!

And if everything goes well, I'll be attending a kung fu seminar out in the forest next month.

I'm only in town for the month, but it's shaping up to be a busy June. And then I have a performance in Toronto come July. Eep!

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