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Back Again
Dec. 28th, 2003 07:37 pmWell, that's over with, thank goodness! It was possibly the least eventful Christmas holiday with the in-laws I've yet experienced, but there were still a couple of scandals. Two of f00's cousins were in a fistfight in front of a confused towtruck operator, and another of f00's cousins was intentionally punched--really hard, mind you--in the junk for no good reason. I was mightily unimpressed by the viciousness of this attack, and had the tables been turned, people would have been screaming about abused girlfriends and violence against women.
In other news, f00's father shaved his enormous beard off and became a dead ringer for any of the following:
1. Nick Adonidas as played by Bruno Gerussi in The Beachcombers
2. Freddie Fender
3. Saddam Hussein
4. Ron Jeremy
He was horrified when he realized just how much weight he'd gained. "I must have twenty pounds of fat on my head!" is a notable quotation. I think he's growing the beard back, right away.
I get very, very tense when I'm at the in-laws. Their way of life is extremely different from mine. All of their time appears to be spent eating enormous quantities of junk food, shopping for expensive knickknacks, and flipping between various versions of DeathTV. DeathTV is better known as the news channels. Apparently, there were only five news stories:
1. Corpses in California mudslide
2. Corpses in Iraq
3. Corpses in Iranian earthquake
4. Mad cows from Canada
5. Another spaceship lost en route to Mars
Mostly, it was corpses all the time. Bloated ones, burned ones, and crushed ones. Talk about a perpetual downer, having this stuff on all day. If I thought I was morbid, I was wrong. I have nothing on f00's father.
Our three-year-old niece ran back and forth in front of the boob tube while scarfing down Christmas bonbons, then paused in front of the monitor. I wanted to change the channel, or turn the tv off, but f00's father is insistent we keep up with "important things." A particularly gruesome scene showed an Iranian corpse being dragged out from beneath a collapsed wall while mourners shrieked and batted at their faces. "What's wrong with that man?" she asked.
"He died in an earthquake," I answered. The scene changed to a truck giving provisions to survivors. "And the people in that truck are helping his family, and helping build new houses."
The scene changed again to a cowboy chasing cows out of a truck.
"Why are the cows running?" asked my niece.
"Because they want out of the truck," I said. "It's crowded in there, and they want room to move." The scene changed to carcasses hanging in a slaughterhouse. "And those are dead cows that we'll eat in hamburgers."
f00's mother said, "Oh, don't tell her that stuff. She's only three."
Finally, f00 changed the channel to a kids' show portraying a friendly minotaur chatting with a little girl. My niece giggled and pointed at the minotaur. "That's a funny animal!"
f00's father roared, "Change that channel. You'll give your niece nightmares!"
f00 and I looked at each other in confusion. "It's a kids' show, instead of DeathTV," said f00.
"You can't show her that. It has an m-o-n-s-t-e-r," explained f00's father. Our niece kept giggling and pointing at the silly animal. And then f00's father changed the channel to a bloody western with lots of people being shot and hung to death, their faces turning ashen grey as they dangled from trees like gruesome coccoons.
I don't get it.
Christmas loot was as follows:
* Soap
* Chocolates
* Socks
* A small Swiss Army knife from f00 (thanks! I really needed one!)
* Sandpaper
* Rubber polishing tools for school
* Lord of the Rings Risk
* A teensyweensy cheese grater
* An enormous hurricane lamp
* Teddy bear flannellette pyjamas
* Some money to help finance some much-needed new glasses
Does anyone want some teddy bear pyjamas? Do you have any minature cheese that needs to be grated? Do you know where I can put my very nice hurricane lamp?
Ah well. I also got meat pies, and I think one of them has just finished baking in the oven. So it's suppertime for me!
In other news, f00's father shaved his enormous beard off and became a dead ringer for any of the following:
1. Nick Adonidas as played by Bruno Gerussi in The Beachcombers
2. Freddie Fender
3. Saddam Hussein
4. Ron Jeremy
He was horrified when he realized just how much weight he'd gained. "I must have twenty pounds of fat on my head!" is a notable quotation. I think he's growing the beard back, right away.
I get very, very tense when I'm at the in-laws. Their way of life is extremely different from mine. All of their time appears to be spent eating enormous quantities of junk food, shopping for expensive knickknacks, and flipping between various versions of DeathTV. DeathTV is better known as the news channels. Apparently, there were only five news stories:
1. Corpses in California mudslide
2. Corpses in Iraq
3. Corpses in Iranian earthquake
4. Mad cows from Canada
5. Another spaceship lost en route to Mars
Mostly, it was corpses all the time. Bloated ones, burned ones, and crushed ones. Talk about a perpetual downer, having this stuff on all day. If I thought I was morbid, I was wrong. I have nothing on f00's father.
Our three-year-old niece ran back and forth in front of the boob tube while scarfing down Christmas bonbons, then paused in front of the monitor. I wanted to change the channel, or turn the tv off, but f00's father is insistent we keep up with "important things." A particularly gruesome scene showed an Iranian corpse being dragged out from beneath a collapsed wall while mourners shrieked and batted at their faces. "What's wrong with that man?" she asked.
"He died in an earthquake," I answered. The scene changed to a truck giving provisions to survivors. "And the people in that truck are helping his family, and helping build new houses."
The scene changed again to a cowboy chasing cows out of a truck.
"Why are the cows running?" asked my niece.
"Because they want out of the truck," I said. "It's crowded in there, and they want room to move." The scene changed to carcasses hanging in a slaughterhouse. "And those are dead cows that we'll eat in hamburgers."
f00's mother said, "Oh, don't tell her that stuff. She's only three."
Finally, f00 changed the channel to a kids' show portraying a friendly minotaur chatting with a little girl. My niece giggled and pointed at the minotaur. "That's a funny animal!"
f00's father roared, "Change that channel. You'll give your niece nightmares!"
f00 and I looked at each other in confusion. "It's a kids' show, instead of DeathTV," said f00.
"You can't show her that. It has an m-o-n-s-t-e-r," explained f00's father. Our niece kept giggling and pointing at the silly animal. And then f00's father changed the channel to a bloody western with lots of people being shot and hung to death, their faces turning ashen grey as they dangled from trees like gruesome coccoons.
I don't get it.
Christmas loot was as follows:
* Soap
* Chocolates
* Socks
* A small Swiss Army knife from f00 (thanks! I really needed one!)
* Sandpaper
* Rubber polishing tools for school
* Lord of the Rings Risk
* A teensyweensy cheese grater
* An enormous hurricane lamp
* Teddy bear flannellette pyjamas
* Some money to help finance some much-needed new glasses
Does anyone want some teddy bear pyjamas? Do you have any minature cheese that needs to be grated? Do you know where I can put my very nice hurricane lamp?
Ah well. I also got meat pies, and I think one of them has just finished baking in the oven. So it's suppertime for me!
