Nudity is Only Skin-Deep

(I recently rediscovered a bunch of stuff I'd written about six years ago. Here's the origin story for one of my Vampire Dark Ages characters. If you like this, check out Children of Elisabet for more.)

I was born on April 1, 1162 in the Transylvanian town of Kronstadt, deep in the Carpathian Mountains. The third of six children, I was put to work as a goose herd as soon as I could walk and wield a stick. Both of my parents were employed as servants at the Keep of the Teutonic Knights. At the age of seventeen, I married a wheelwright by the name of Nicolae. He was older than me by a decade or more, and he said he loved me. Although I didn't love him in return, he treated me well enough.

( When the plague came to Kronstadt, Nicolae died first. )

(Character sketch for a Hunter game....)

So I knew I was special from an early age, right? Yeah, I know everyone thinks there special, except maybe those flinching ones who hide in the corners at school hugging their bookbags to their chests, but I knew I was. I mean, Ma and Pa always told me I was special, but that’s like their job, right? I know it sounds cheesy as hell, but it came to me in a dream. I’m a bit of an oracle, when it comes to dreams, so when I dreamed about the Great Eye on top of ye olde pyramid, and how that eye scanned all around like the freaking Eye of Sauron until it lit on ME, well, yeah, of course I knew I’d been singled out. By what exactly, I wasn’t sure, but there’s a reason the unknown is called the occult. ( I was singled out for life as an occultist. )

I can't believe I haven't posted the recipe for this, yet. Well, here goes.

This recipe was developed by elanya, and then I tinkered with it and made my own changes. We wanted to create a recipe for a pie that tastes both delicious and dangerous. We wanted a pie that Dark Elves might make. Yes, this pie was developed for LARP. It's made of rich, dark chocolate (the darker the better), almond (for that aroma of cyanide), and tastes vaguely like burning, thanks to the cayenne. Mmmm.....

Here you go!

- 1/2 c unsalted butter
- 2-3 oz (60 g) dark chocolate
- 2 eggs, well beaten
- 1/2 c sugar
- 1/2 c light corn syrup
- 1/4 c all purpose flour
- 1 tsp almond extract
- 1/8 tsp salt
- 1/4 tsp cayenne pepper
- 1 c ground almonds
- one 9 in. chocolate cookie crust
- dried chili pepper

Heat oven to 325 degrees.
Melt butter and chocolate in double boiler over hot water, or carefully in the microwave.
Pour this into a bowl and add the beaten eggs, then stir in the sugar, corn syrup, flour, almond extract, cayenne, salt, and ground almonds.
Pour filling into crust. Sprinkle a smidgen of ground chili peppers on top for garnish. Bake for 30-35 minutes.
Watch carefully and do not take the pie out of the oven until the top looks dry.

I've spent the past few days thinking about theology. Not real-world theology, mind you, but theology within a fictional world. It's quite interesting, to see how certain pre-existing points match up, and discovering where the mysteries lie. I'm going to keep working on it, and upon character development. I believe I'm coming up with something quite interesting. Well, it's interesting to me, at least. Whee!

Last night, I played paintball with Steph, Adam, Jordan, Kate, and Tom. Although I've decided indoor paintball is not my cuppa tea, it was still fun to run around with a gun, and to hang out with folks. The floor, with it's eleventy-billion ounces of paint bukkake, was pretty disgusting to walk on. It squelched underfoot, and if I leaned on anything or got shot, I looked like I'd been bled on by Bishop from Alien. Neck/throat shots are a real bitch, by the way, though I think my worst bruising is across my thighs. Adam decided to do one game the masochistic way, and went shirtless. Miraculously enough, he only got shot once, and that was in the arm.

Tom gave me a wicked headband with a picture of Buddy Christ and a "Killing For Jesus" motif. I'll wear it when I go for runs. I will not wear it tonight, when I go and teach my first dance class in ages.

I hope I remember how to dance. I hope I remember how to teach. Eee.

I am still wonderfully sore from pole dance class on Monday night. Although I can do chin-ups on my chin-up bar in the kitchen, I discovered I can no longer do chin-ups on the dance pole. I am ashamed. Ashamed and weak, like some girly man. I need to pump me up!

Where I have not been failing is in the walking department. I've been going on long walks to try to discover the somewhat natural parts of Kitchener. Alas, but even these pseudo-rural areas are tainted by stupid humans. A stream has a big, overstuffed chair in it. Ducks and geese swim amongst candy wrappers and worse. No matter where I walk, I seem to end up at a major intersection near a Beer Store. It must be a sign.

Time for a wish list of socks. ( I want all of these. )

I'll be there.

In the middle of housework and preparations for this week's Underworld extravaganza. Will I accomplish all my goals? Will I make enemies? Find love? Play with teddy bears and pick flowers? Have a late-night rave with other elf chicks? Stay tuned to find out more!

In the meantime, check this shit out.

Burglar Bit Through Steel Bars: Nom nom nom goes the redcap (thanks, tailchaser).

Ravenswood Leather: Oh, I am in love with some of these clothes....

Africa Acapella: Really well-done, and complete with storm noises.

Bone Room: Jewellery with a bit of a morbid flair. I'm particularly fond of the monkey arm necklace and the pewter spider ring (thanks, Doyce).

Babuinul Cu Surpriza: Living hood ornaments.

Mom Gives Birth in her Pants: I sincerely doubt they were the pants in the picture.

Carrots cause Swedish bomb scare: Eh, what's up, doc?

Joshua Hoffine Horror Photography: Childhood fears, brought to life. I love it (thanks, Ted)!

Teaching Baby Wolf How to Howl: I'm cuted right the fuck out.

Dog Laugh Silences Other Dogs: Makes me think yippy chihuahuas, poodles, and collies don't have a good sense of humour.

How to Make Fake Blood: I'm going to try out the soya sauce recipe.

Colouring Something Evil!: If I had a kid, this would be my kid.

That'll do for now.

More photos of my adventures at Anime North can be seen here!

In the meantime, I'm making a perhaps fruitless effort to increase the armour points of my battle skirt by more than tripling the number of steel studs on it. If nothing else, it'll look cooler, I guess.

I want the female Dark Elf skin showing armour bonus. That might happen if my leather pants and battle skirt don't count for anything. Half naked Dark Elves FTW!

Aww. Is something wrong with your archers?



I'm leaving for Anime North shortly. Wish me luck. It's a hell of a commute, and I'll be carrying heavy luggage and a big boffer club.

I'm still very sore from my LARP weekend, although I am now able to move without making old lady noises. Next time, I'm gonna suck up the fact that I'm not a 16-year-old anymore, and my bones just don't like sleeping on the cold ground. So I will be getting an air mattress, and living the life of ease, roughing-it style.

My first night there sucked. There's no other way to put it. I was setting up in the dark in the middle of the woods. On one trip, a stick poked me right in the eye and ripped out my contact, leaving me basically blind. It took me a full hour to find my way to my camp that way, and then I had to wear my glasses over my costume, which made my vision all cock-eyed. I basically played the entire weekend with seriously impeded vision. Gah! I didn't get my gear all set up until about 3 am.

At least I didn't lose an eye.

Next time, I'm bringing spare contacts.

One funny thing happened that night, though.... I was playing my Dark Elf, and was therefore wearing my black spandex suit under my costume. It was my first time, with this particular naked suit, and I was waiting my turn at the porta-potty. I went in, unzipped, and something flopped out.

It was a penis.

Never having worn the suit before, other than just trying it on, I'd somehow overlooked that it had a built-in penis sleeve.

I came out of the porta-potty and looked at my companions. "Uh, guys? I discovered something odd in there."

They looked at one another warily. "Do we want to know?"

"I have a dick."

There was a moment of blank uncomprehension.

I explained what happened. There was another beat. Then another. And then everyone burst out in laughter, simultaneously.

Link time.

Worst Job in the World: Probably NSFW. Beef queefing beefalingists (thanks, tailchaser).


World’s most disturbing tombstone picture: I'm not sure if it's the most disturbing, but it's certainly a good follow up for the worst job video.

Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus trailer: Oh, dear God, but I must watch this. It even stars Lorenzo Lamas and Debbie Gibson!

US 'banana gun robber' slips up: "A US teenager who was thwarted in an attempt to rob an internet cafe armed with a hidden banana ate the "weapon" before he was arrested, police say."

Craziest Dictator Ever: Turkmenbashi: Megalomania much?

2 Russian tourists challenge Florida law prohibiting sex with porcupines: I certainly can't guarantee the veracity of this one, but man oh man....

Credit MacDaddy Local Bad Commercial: The worst commercial I've seen in a long time (thanks, gha5t).

Dis-Taste: I shit you not. These are pills made to make poop taste bad.