Nudity is Only Skin-Deep

My story Sibyl Has a Heart of Gold has just gone live at The Temz Review.

I will be reading it at the launch for Aaron Schneider’s book The Supply Chain. The event is in the living room of the Tranzac club (292 Brunswick Ave., Toronto, ON M5S 2M7 Canada), September 16, 7-10 pm.



I will also be reading something at Waterloo Bookfest. I'm unsure of when my reading is (somewhere between 1-4), but the event runs on Saturday, September 9th from 1-7 at Waterloo Public Square.

UPDATE: I am sixth on the docket, and will be likely be reading somewhere around 1:30-2:30.

Lastly, I will be a featured performer at the IMPACT International Theatre Festival running from September 26-October 1 in downtown Kitchener. Videos of my storytelling will be playing in the containers of 44 Gaukel Street in downtown Kitchener. I will appear alongside Bangishimo and Jordan M. Burns. We have worked together over the past two years to create artistic projects based on the theme of Monsters. I do not yet know the date of the live performances and Q&A.

My reviews of Everything You Dream is Real by Lisa de Nikolits, Moon Boots by Lorenz Peter, and VenCo by Cherie Dimaline are live at CAROUSEL Magazine Blog. I was the Reviewer-In-Residence for August 2023.

I've been writing so fast it caused wildfires. Sorry about that.

Upcoming Publications by Yours Truly:

• "Wolf Mother," fiction in the fall or winter edition of Augur
  
• "The Ghosts of Forests Past," creative nonfiction in the July 2023 issue of Solarpunk Magazine
  
• "Anirniliit: Those Which Breathe," "Nuliajuk's Promise," and "Seasons of the Nattiq," poems in the forthcoming spring/summer edition of Yellow Medicine Review
  
• "Monkey Business," fiction in the forthcoming spring/summer edition of Yellow Medicine Review
  

Recent Publications by Yours Truly:

• "Before the Flood," fiction in Common Unity: An Anthology
  
• Digital Mountains, Ink in the Sink.” Interview co-written with Moira Walsh in Periodicities: A Journal of Poetry and Poetics, May 2023
  
• “How to Make Boiled Potatoes.” Memoir CNF in 2023 Festival of Literary Diversity Program. April 2023.
  
• “Lost and Found.” Memoir CNF in Grande Dame Literary Journal, March 2023.
  
• “The Huluppu Tree.” Poem in Banff 2023 Winter Writers Residency The Antholozine, February 2023.
  
• “Constellation and Aurora” and “The Fern Yard.” Poems in Under a Warm Green Linden, Issue 14: Indigenous Ecopoetry. December 2022
  
• “This is the Time Just Before Spider Woman Meets Kiviuq” and “Forced Birth” published in emerge 22 Anthology. October 2022.
  
  

I have just finished my stint as 2023 Yosef Wosk Fellow for the Vancouver Manuscript Intensive. I was working with Gurjinder Basran. She was a joy to work with, and helped me sharpen my writing and reinvestigate plot points in my novel-in-progress.

I received a grant extension for my manuscript from the Waterloo Arts Fund. I received the grant in 2022, but I still have about 25,000 words to go until my first draft is complete. I'm hoping to finish it before the winter.

I received a scholarship to attend the late winter online writers' residency with the Banff Centre for Arts and Creativity. I have also applied for an on-site residency with them later on in the year. Here's hoping I get to write in a beautiful cabin in the woods!

I completed a speculative fiction fellowship at Roots Wounds Words early this year, working with Indra Das. He was wonderful to work with, and had many insightful recommendations. The other fellows in the program were also terrific to work with, and I've kept up correspondence with a few of them.

I have applied for the grad program of The Writers Studio at Simon Fraser University. I had an acceptance in December, but turned it down because of the Fellowship I'd won with the Vancouver Manuscript Intensive.

I am finishing up a course called Lit Mag Love with Rachel Thompson. This is helping me streamline my submission process so that I can get more stuff published with magazines more appropriate for my trajectory to become a novelist. I am also a member of her Writerly Love community, so I can continue to learn in community.

In July, I will begin studying speculative short stories with editors/writers for Interzone. I hope that my own writing will improve as a result. And even if it doesn't, I'll get to read and discuss amazing stories with knowledgeable people.

I continue to write book reviews for Cloud Lake Literary, and will soon be a featured reviewer for Carousel Magazine. I reviewed God Isn't Here Today by Francine Cunningham, and the publishers liked my review so much that they are using a pull-quote from it.

I continue to take fairy tale generative workshops with Saraswathi Sukamar. The material I've generated in these workshops has gone on to be incorporated in a lot of my written work. I recommend Saraswathi's workshops. They're fun, and they also really take you out of your comfort zone.

I keep on doing public readings, too. Last week, I did a reading for Indigenous Peoples Day. My bit begins at 35:08. I also had a reading for the Vancouver Manuscript Intensive, but I haven't received a recording of that one yet.

I keep sending off my writing to a variety of contests in the hopes that I might win one. Here's hoping!

Pro
- Course was solid, over all. Challenging hills, and a good length.
- Australian back crawl was a great obstacle. The hill leading to it was an obstacle itself. Though I have good, strong legs, I had to work them hard to make it through this one. Challenging, and the risk factor was not too high for those who had to really struggle to do it.
- The long, uphill tubes were another challenge. I imagined I was Bishop in Alien as I crept/slid my way through them. Lots of upper body strength necessary to make it through this one. Definitely not for the claustrophobic or those with great big butts. I could see a large person getting good and wedged. I found it a tight squeeze.
- The long, twisting, uneven trail through the forest. This was my favourite part. The downside is the trail is narrow and it was a bottleneck point because there were few places where people could squeeze to the side to allow faster runners to pass. That being said, I found my way and sprinted through the woods, while the vast majority appeared to take it at a snail's pace.
- There was a fire pit close to the finish line where racers could get warmed up.

Cons
- We arrived in plenty of time for my 11 am heat, but the parking lot was full. We were told by the attendant to drive all the way back to Best Buy and park in that parking lot. Shuttles were leaving from there regularly. I thought this was weird. The parking lot at Best Buy is not huge, so overflow from Bad Ass Dash would surely take all their customer parking spaces. Still, we drove back and parked there. There were about ten of us waiting, in all. A couple of the guys had been there at least 15 minutes and had seen no shuttles. We waited at least a half hour and no shuttles came. Finally, one of the women drove us back to the site, because she didn't want her kids to miss their run or to see their Dad run. When we got back to the site, parking was available, but at $20. Emails told us parking was $10. Not cool. And no, shuttles were not being sent to Best Buy, but to a parking lot somewhere a few blocks behind Best Buy. We'd all been given incorrect information.
- The registration line was horrendously long, and being shunted into a building through a narrow doorway. We waited well over an hour to get my racing kit. They needed a LOT more people processing contestants.
- Several obstacles were removed by the time I ran. Some had no one there, and no explanation of what to do, so no one did them. One of the water stations had no water by the time I got there. Good thing it wasn't a hot day.
- I saw no places where people could shower or get hosed off.
- Post-race snacks included a giant tray of loose crackers. Uhh, everyone is COVERED in mud. No one wants to reach into crackers when covered in mud. This was a strange and bad choice for food.

DANGER
I realize there's an element of danger in these races, but this is the first time I felt so paranoid of injury at an event. For this, I give this set of cons its own section.
- Pontoon bridge obstacle. This was problematic for a couple of reasons. First of all, it was the absolute worst bottleneck point in the entire race. I'm fairly sure I was stuck in line for this obstacle for a solid half hour. The reason there was such a bottleneck is because it was extremely unlikely anyone could do this obstacle quickly, and only two people could go at one time. Floating plastic cubes were tethered together in a very unstable bridge across a stream of unknown depth. I'm not sure even one person made it across on their feet. The chances of smashing your head off a pontoon while falling were high. The water appeared to be deep, and was so muddy that the bottom could not be seen. If anyone went under, no one would be able to see where they were. As I came up on my turn, I turned to a couple of the volunteers and asked, "How deep is the water?" They laughed and said, "Oh, 6 feet. No, thirty feet!" I said, "I ask because my asthma is bothering me, I cannot float, and water pressure on my chest often makes my asthma flare up suddenly."

That's when they realized I was asking for a damned good reason. But they still didn't know how deep it was.

I looked at it again, and figured I could probably belly creep my way across, and if I fell, I had to fall to the left where I could see a rope I could pull myself with if necessary. Even belly creeping was difficult. I made it. Just.

I don't think there was a life guard posted at this obstacle where there was a serious risk of drowning if someone fell off and bumped their head.
- Scaling wall with a rope. This sort of obstacle is normally one of my favourites. A rope hangs from the top of a tall wall. You grab the rope and walk up the side of the wall. The other side can be descended in a similar fashion. So I thought, "I've got this," and I walked on up the wall, piece of cake. On the other side, I slid my body down a bit, got a firm grab on the rope, and ... THE ROPE WAS NOT ATTACHED TO THE TOP. There was a lot of slack on that rope. I went into a straight fall down the wall, scraping the shit out of my elbow and giving my first-ever scream of terror at an obstacle race. Fortunately, I'm tall and hit the ground before the rope caught up suddenly. I kept my knees soft and landed ok. However, I heard someone else dislocated their shoulder on this obstacle. I'm not surprised. Someone shorter than me would've been caught up suddenly on that rope. Jebus.
- Mixed grouping of adults with children. For some bizarre reason, the 7-13 year old contestants had a shared course with the competitive adults. This was terribly dangerous, in my opinion. On some of the obstacles, a 200-lb adult falling, losing their grip, or losing control could result in pretty devastating injuries to another adult, let alone a 50-lb kid. The absolute worst was at the...
- Slip and Slide. When I saw kids were going down the same high speed slip and slide obstacle event as adults, I stopped and said, "ARE YOU SHITTING ME?" Of course, people weren't exactly taking turns and making sure the area was clear before jumping on. I moved to the side furthest away from the most kids and sat on my ass. At first, I didn't slide too well, but then the speed came from nowhere. It was like I'd been shot from a cannon. When I realized I'd lost all control, I immediately laid down on my back, arched my back up, and raised my head in an attempt to slow my speed, increase stability, and minimize damage to myself. I shot past the end of the tarps and kept going full speed for a good 30' or so. This was the second time I've screamed at an obstacle. There were people whizzing past me at high velocity. It was like a firing range where the guns are shooting out bullets made of soft muscle and breakable bones. knightky had been watching this obstacle. He saw numerous injuries, some from people wiping out, but even more terrifying, some from people hitting big rocks at the end of the tarp.

I don't know what the injury tally would be at this event, but it had to have been high.

I saw a few people in slings. But worst of all, at the end of the race, I saw a pallid, dead-looking man being rushed to an ambulance on a gurney while paramedics administered CPR on the run. Someone else saw someone being rushed away on a gurney with an oxygen mask. I don't know what happened to them. Maybe a heart attack, which could happen at any time, really. But maybe they were lost in the mud water? I don't know.

I won't be doing this race again. The clusterfuck of the beginning was bad enough, but the unnecessarily dangerous obstacles are the clincher.

I sure hope those men are ok.

It's been a hectic couple of weeks filled with dance.

First of all, I attended a workshop with Daniel Lepkoff. For the first time in all my years of dance training, I quit the workshop early and asked for a partial refund. The workshop was called Making and Seeing Dance, and I was under the mistaken impression it would be about creating dance from improvisation. Instead, it was an extremely slow-paced class that appeared to focus more upon meditation than dance. I learned a rolling technique that is somewhat interesting, but I think that's the only thing I took away from two and a half days of workshop. On the third day before 12:30, we managed to do two exercises. One was basically us moving very slowly for five minutes. The other was us going somewhere for 30 minutes and keeping perfectly still.

Although I can understand the value of stillness in dance, as an audience member, I would never want to watch a dancer remain motionless for half an hour. If I want to see stillness, I'll go to a figure drawing class.

And so I left.

That same weekend hosted the Ontario Regional Contact Improv Jam. I am very new to contact improv, having only tried it once before. That time, I left early because I was nauseated and thought I was coming down with a flu. It ends up that no, I wasn't ill. I was nauseated because of all the rolling and basically had motion sickness. After doing the whirling workshop with Ziya Azazi a while back, I seem to have overcome motion sickness due to dance. I participated in workshops/classes all weekend without even once becoming dizzy or nauseated.



I found the contact dance training very interesting. I enjoyed the improvisation and the organic nature of the dance. I like how one move will flow into another without forethought, based on the sensation of the moment. I learned how to do basic lifts, and was also lifted many times throughout the weekend. Friday night introduced me to different contact techniques, so not just rotating around one axis of contact, but using that contact for sloughing and brushing in order to change levels.

On Saturday, I attended a contact dance for newbies class, and picked up a lot more basics. In the afternoon, I worked one on one with a variety of experienced dancers and got more valuable feedback. On Sunday, I did a workshop on authentic movement and contact dance. While I still couldn't tell you what "authentic movement" is (I thought everything I was moving was pretty real), I was able to put into words a basic concept I'd never really considered before:

How you move is very much a part of who you are.

This is something I think I've pretty much always known, but never defined. I mean, any time I've played a character, whether on stage or at a larp, they've all had different ways of moving. And I've always noted the different ways people walk. But while I was doing the exercises at that last workshop, I worked with my eyes closed with a few different people, and noted how incredibly differently each person moves. One woman very obviously had a strong yoga background, and her movements flowed like asanas. One man had a kickboxing background, and his movements were sharp, precise, and almost violent. My own movements were fluid, because of my own dance background.

I didn't participate in the large jams going on, because I am much more interested in dance for performance rather than as pure experience. I personally think couples and triplets look more interesting than a big mash of dozens of people. I'd love to have one or two people to practice with so we could develop a performance piece.

Then came the training I've been most looking forward to all year: the workshop with Louise LeCavalier, who is one of my all-time favourite dancers. I learned a couple of things over my two days with her:

• I'm in much better shape than I thought.
  
• I still suck at choreography

Louise is much tinier than I had imagined. I think she might be only a smidgen over five feet tall, which makes it even more impressive how she tosses her dance partners around. She is also much friendlier than I imagined. She is a really sweet, friendly, and thoughtful person. Though she was teaching about 60 people each day, she knew each of us by name and offered individual feedback, praise, and corrections.

We started each day by running laps: running forward, backward, sideways. She was strict about our running technique, ensuring we ran in a relaxed fashion, and paid close attention to our breathing techniques. We started with inhaling through our noses on four steps, and exhaling through our mouths for four steps. As we got hotter, we inhaled on a three count and exhaled on a two count. Afterwards, we did some intense cardio training with more drills (done twice):

• Run forward four steps, spin and run backward four steps, then touch the floor to our side before doing a grapevine at speed in the other direction and touching the floor. Repeat for one minute.
  
• Chassé at speed one way, touch the floor, and chassé to the other side and touch the floor. Repeat for one minute.
  
• Running in place with knees high for four counts, then leaping up high leading with left arm, leading with right, then with both arms. Repeat for one minute.
  
• Balance on one foot with other leg held high behind us, bending forward at the hip and swinging arms at speed for four counts, then switching to other foot. Repeat for one minute
  

Afterward, we did a few more running drills, a pile of burpees, and then went through a series of boxing drills. We worked on jabs, rights, uppercuts, and hooks. This was familiar territory for me, although the stances are quite different from what I'm used to in my own martial arts training. Although the stances may make sense from a strictly boxing perspective, I couldn't help but think they'd be disastrous for any situation in which you might get kicked. In any case, it was interesting. I don't think most of the dancers in the workshop had martial arts backgrounds, but they picked up the basics quickly.

The last part of the workshop was devoted to a piece of choreography by Edouard Lock. It was unlike any other dance I'd ever studied before with its tiny, precise hand gestures and leaps. I got pretty lost, and could only really remember the gross movements. I followed along as best I could, but everything was so tiny and fast that I could only just keep up.

It's easy to see how all the boxing and cardio drills fit into her dancing. Although we weren't punching, the movements had the same feel and flavour, and there were elements of the bob and weave in the short choreography we practiced.

On the second day, many of the other students (most much younger than me, and all very fit) were moaning and groaning in pain from delayed onset muscle soreness. I was pleased to discover I was only a little sore through my lats from the uppercuts, but otherwise, I was just fine. I couldn't help but feel a bit smug. Huzzah for being in great shape!

That being said, I still had to take a huff off my asthma puffer during the cardio section on day two.

Louise is really inspiring, and I wish I could train with her regularly. Despite being worked very hard, and me sweating more than I have in years, I didn't leave the classes exhausted. I left exhilarated.

And here we are, all frizzy and sweaty at the end of the workshop:



Tomorrow I start my third session of contemporary dance with Kymberley Feltham. I'm looking forward to it.

Although I appreciate the concept of "Canadianizing" the tale, the performance seemed more like an uninspiring game of charades than a ballet. I do not fault the dancers, as they were following direction. But the sort of folksy dancing done on stage is far more fun to do than it is to watch. It is more like memorized movement than dance, to me. I was a bit horrified to see a clogging interpretation of the Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies. Although I think folk dance can be entertaining for an audience, I think the chosen choreography fell short of that. I enjoyed the ballet done toward the end of the first act, but it was too little, too late, and my companion and I left during intermission.

I had a wonderful weekend. I hung out with knightky and we made fleur de sel toffee, went skating, watched a horrible movie (Mutant, which is amusing if only for its blatant and very silly sexism), and watched Walking Dead. He also retrieved my digital camera from the repair place, and I'm looking forward to getting back into photography. I must first locate the camera cable. Where the hell did it go?

I watched Tron last night, which is a neon-lit turd of a movie. I think it is supposed to have a deep spiritual message of some sort, but it sure as hell doesn't. The first part is a blatant rip-off of the Star Wars franchise. The rest is pseudo-spiritual hoohaw with occasional chase scenes involving uncomfortable-looking rides that fart digital rainbows. Over all, it is very much a movie of style over substance, and it made me wish I were watching The Big Lebowski, instead.

I couldn't help but shake my head that the protagonist's big altruistic kick was to release the mega-corporation's new OS to the public for free on the internet. While that was a laudable act within the movie, I'm amused at the thought of how Disney execs will react to free torrents of their cash cow being all over the intarwebs.

Now it's back to the grind, and so I'm steeling myself for a day of proofreading and an evening of exercise. The night will be wrapped up by a viewing of Black Swan, which looks to be the first good dance movie in forever. I don't know what it is about dance movies, but they are pretty much universally dreadful.

So people have been talking about how original Lady Gaga has been with her meat dress. I watched an interview with her, and although I think she's darned good at being a spectacle, I really don't see any depth in the artistic statement she claimed for the dress.

"Well, it is certainly no disrespect to anyone that is vegan or vegetarian. As you know, I am the most judgment-free human being on the earth. However, it has many interpretations but for me this evening. If we don't stand up for what we believe in and if we don't fight for our rights pretty soon we're going to have as much rights as the meat on our own bones. And, I am not a piece of meat."

The rights of the meat on our bones? Really?

I just don't see any depth in any of her work, really. She is a product of the superficiality of pop culture. I think that as long as people realize that, it's ok. I enjoy watching her videos. I think they're hilarious.

( Now, let's take a tour through meat as fashion, shall we? )

April 19, St.-Stephen-in-the-Fields Church, Toronto

I have to admit, when I first heard the concept for Inversion: Rewind show, I was dubious. I thought people would quickly sicken of hearing Beats Antique's "Trinkit" more than a half-dozen times in less than two hours. But then I saw the radically different interpretations, and I was won over. It was an incredible show, filled with stellar performances in a wide array of styles. No two interpretations were even slightly similar. Accents in the song which demanded I place special emphasis on them in my dance were completely ignored by other dancers who found their own key points. I danced with poi. One troupe danced with hats. Another dancer with an umbrella. Another with a puppet and a huge paper hoop skirt. One with a chair and spider-like hand movements. We were all different, and we somehow made the song different. After the show, I heard many people say they hadn't even realized we were using the same music until well into the second act.

And it wasn't just the dancers who were great, and who made this my all-time favourite belly dance gig.

• It was the venue. St.-Stephen-in-the-Fields church is a gorgeous space. Although I am a distinctly irreligious person, the stained glass, impressive pipe organ, and soaring arches provided a warm ambience and intimate venue.
  
• It was the acoustics. The vaulted ceilings and size of the room made the sound resonate in the warmest fashion.
  
• It was the costuming. Great care had been taken with what the dancers were wearing. Outfits were well-matched with performance pieces, and in the instance of Maryfer's crazy hoop skirt, integral to the dance.
  
• It was the audience. In performance, I personally find a form of symbiosis. If either the performer or audience doesn't do their job, the performance loses something. At Inversion: Rewind, both audience and performers did their job beautifully. Even when I was under the blinding spotlights, when I couldn't see the people filling the seats, I knew they were there. I could feel their spellbound attention directed at me, and I soaked it up greedily, pulling it into myself and directing it right back out at them in the form of my dance. And when I stood backstage and watched the other performances, I could see the same thing was happening with the other dancers. The audience was jubilant and exuberant with the joyous performances, and hushed and reverent with the more reflective dances.

And as for my own performance? This is my third time dancing at one of Audra's events, and the previous two times, I felt off. The first time, I was dancing on a badly sprained ankle. The second time, I just wasn't connecting with my music in a way that felt natural to me. This time around, I'm ok with what I did. "Trinkit" is admittedly not my favourite piece to dance to, and after almost two hundred listenings of the song (no exaggeration. My iTunes says I listened to it 178 times, and that's not including the times I listed to it on my iPod), I'll be perfectly fine with never hearing it again for a few years. It's not the most ideal song for me to spin poi to, but the glitchiness of the tune let me hit a few beats to maximum effect (gotta love that double kick change near the end).

In contrast, I only listened to my other song a couple dozen times at most, and it was far less challenging for me, even if the dance I did to it was far more complex. I chose "Orca" by Wintersleep at the eleventh hour, and beyond a bit of visualizing in my chair to the song, didn't practice to the piece at all. But I didn't need to. I've been thinking about this song for over a year. The song speaks to me, tells me to dance to it in a very particular fashion, and does so in no uncertain terms. And so I complied, filling the space around me with what I was feeling internally. The song switches between soft, plaintive singing to harsh crescendos, so I danced it in two corresponding styles. I kept the floorwork soft and slow for the quiet parts of the song, and added a violent sort of martial arts and zaar fusion to the aggressive bits. I rationed out my eye contact with the audience for maximum effect. I floated off the floor, hovering just off the stage with the power of my thighs. I raked my hair across my face. I kicked. I clenched fists. I buried my face in my hands. And when the applause struck me, I was grateful.

It is for moments like these that I dance.

I would have enjoyed last night's Rob Zombie show more if I hadn't been sick and if the place hadn't been populated by asshole jocks. At one point, I had to stop myself from giving in to the almost overwhelming urge to bite a huge gash out of the arsehole in front of me. I don't know where those violent cannibalistic tendencies came from. It must have been the whole zombie motif of the show, I guess. One yahoo was playing high-speed, high-impact bumper cars with the unimpressed people around him. After he smashed into me at full force and sent me reeling to the side, I spun around to see what the fuck he was doing. That was about when schwartzung grabbed and shook him like a terrier would. Heh....

The stage show itself was good. The band has excellent stage presence, and really knows how to fill their space and get the crowd going. But by the end, I found myself wondering when I'd be able to go home and eat the scrumptious chicken stew I'd made earlier that day.

I can console myself in the belief that my next show won't have anything near the same asshole contingent. I'm going to see Henry Rollins again. Yes.

After the show, I ended up staying up until 10:30 the next morning shooting the shit with schwartzung and f00dave (who miraculously kept his pants on for the whole affair).

If you get a chance, and you're on FaceBook, why don't you join the 8 Digital community? 8 Digital is the band I dance with on an official basis. You can also find us on MySpace, although the page needs some work.

real_bethy invited me over for a Hanukkah supper last night, and so I trooped off for latkes, doughnuts, tortellini, Jack Daniels whiskey and other fun treats. We were joined by f00dave, snowy_kathryn, and schwartzung, the latter two of which would be accompanying me to the GWAR show later that night.

I'm sure the average Hanukkah doesn't involve Hitler ejaculating blue spooge all over Kathryn, but this wasn't just Hanukkah. It was GWARnukkah.

I witnessed many strange and wonderful things last night, including the decapitation of George W. (who wears our country like a hat (and whose arterial blood soaked the ravening crowd)), a mad terrorist with a towel on its head, an enormously fat man-thing which sprayed gouts of blue fecal matter across the audience before being flayed down to the bones, and lord knows what else.

The mosh pit was a sea of upraised hands and faces being drenched under gallons of questionable body fluids. I stood back in one of the bar areas watching, all bemused. Kathryn's reaction was not so subdued. Her mouth was stretched agape in brutal amazement, and it wasn't long before schwartzung dragged her into the pit to bust her mosh cherry.

Some time later, she came back to the bar looking worse for wear. She was limping, disheveled, covered with Hitler jizz, and her glasses were badly bent. She was also wearing a beatific smile.

schwartzung showed up shortly afterwards, looked at me, and said, "You're next."

I passed my glasses (and eyesight) to Kathryn, grabbed on to schwartzung's shirt, and away we went into the pit. I lost him at one point, when we were going down the stairs. I had no idea how many steps or how wide they were. Neither could I detect any obstacles, of which there were many. But I somehow made it down there, and schwartzung returned to pull me into the fray.

I was pressed in on all sides, pinned in moving place by a tide of sweat-soaked heaving bodies. Keeping on my feet was a struggle, and it took all my strength and dexterity to squirm my way up closer and closer to the stage. The music was irrelevant. The stage show was irrelevant. I was immersed in a cacophonous din. My mouth was filled with someone's hair. An elbow jammed into my throat. My feet and lower legs were crushed beneath boots. Jettisons of fluid rained down upon me, into my eyes, ears, and mouth. I felt a heavy weight pressing down on my head, and forced my arms up to clear it. A spread-eagled body passed by overhead. A man was jammed up tight behind me, his mouth brushing my ear. "I apologize if I touch you inappropriately," he said. "It's entirely unintentional."

schwartzung was just ahead of me. He turned to scream in my ear, "Are you ok?"

"Fuck, yeah!" I screamed.

And I continued to ride the crowd in a blind haze until schwartzung turned to me one more time and said, "Time to leave. Give me a knee." And then I was dragged up over top of the wave of human cilia, grabbed and groped all the way to the stage, where I was hauled back down to earth by raincoat-clad security, and shoved into a trough where I ran the gauntlet out of the pit. A shirtless man tried to stop me, grabbing at me every which way, but slick with the sweat of many, I slip-squeezed by him and felt my way back to the bar. Kathryn, the now uncloseted metalhead, found me and gave me my glasses, and the word came back into sharp focus.

I was covered in blue.

A few moments later, schwartzung emerged again, grabbed another gulp of beer, and took Erin, yet another pit virgin, into the fray. I sang along to "Maggots" while sipping a nasty strawberry daquiri, and then the show ended abruptly, brought to a sudden close by way of irritating city bylaws. Erin and schwartzung came back to the bar, and he sloshed beer all over her. "Eww!" she said. "My bra is full of beer." She turned to me. "Want to suck some out?"

It tasted like beer at first, but the aftertaste was very not beer. I hope my mouth doesn't get pregnant with Hitler's love child.

And how was your Hannukah?