Drunken Style Kung Fu

I'm back! I didn't get a hell of a lot of sleep last night, but I'm back in one piece. I was out at Sifu Danny's camp for a kung fu seminar and grading. While it poured, we learned the Praying Mantis form Sum But Sao and its breakdowns. This is my first praying mantis form, and I really like it. I need a whole lot more practice before I have the moves in my head, but what else is new? We'll be working on it in class for the next while, so hopefully I'll be passable at it before long. I didn't mind training in the rain, but the pauses during breakdowns and standing still to watch the gradings made me very, very cold.

One of my fellow students, Colleen, received her blue sash yesterday, and demonstrated the sword form as part of her grading. She told me she would train with me until I have this form down. Good! I fully plan on incorporating elements from it into my next big dance performance in October.

Once the grading was over last night, the weather cleared and the few of us spending the night spent our time in an alcoholic haze. I only had three coolers, but the others drank prodigiously. This was my opportunity to teach some of them dance. It's funny to watch skilled martial artists exclaim, "I can't do that!" when I demonstrate a bit of dancing. Of course, once I explain it in a martial arts way, they realize that of course they can. What is a three-quarter shimmy but a different way of preparing your body to do roundhouse kicks? So I had Chuck, a black sash from Grand Falls, shimmying away, and then down on the floor doing a caterpillar crawl. Colleen and Meredith gave it a shot, too. The other guys still refused to try it, but I'm working on them. At some point, I want to have a troupe of kung fu belly dancers! How awesome would that be?

At the Christmas Party, I think Colleen and I and whoever decides to work with us will do a mock grading for a pink sash. In order to receive the sash, the student will have to have mastered girly-girl concepts like lipstick application and manicures. We'll see what other silliness we can throw into this. I can't wait to see what sort of form we develop....

With a serious buzz on, I worked on using a spear hand to snuff out the flames on tiki torches. I need to practice a lot more, although I did get the flame out at least five times. I'd like to be able to do it consistently, and with both hands. I'd also like to incorporate the crisp flicking motion necessary into pretty much every aspect of my kung fu. The flame is an excellent focus. It's meditation in movement. The first time I got my spear hand to dissipate the flame, I whooped and hollered and danced around like I'd just won the gold medal. I guess it's a lot easier to do with a candle flame, but that's what I'll practice with from now on. I just don't have any tiki torches handy, after all.

I'd like to add that Pete is a hilarious drunk.

We worked together on starting a bonfire while we were both pretty blazed, and when someone else came along to try to help, he told him to go away. Apparently, the fire was Pete's and my baby. "Uh, Pete," I said, "I like you and all, but I'm not ready to have a baby with you."

"That's ok," he said. "The baby will die soon, anyhow."

Sure enough, I think our baby may have died after people sat around it drinking, and then someone probably pissed on it as it died. How sad is that?

Pete was carrying a torch back behind the fire pit when he asked me to come and help him. "Why do you need my help to put up the torch?"

"Because I'm too drunk to do it right," he answered. And he was, too, He knocked the top off it, and blew it out in the process. Then he stood in a high horse stance and patted at the pockets on his cargo shorts slowly and repetitively.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

He kept patting at his thighs in this stance, and very slowly rambled, "I have matches. I have matches. They were in my pockets, but I must have tossed them into the fire." Pat pat pat pat....

I got to sleep somewhere around 4:00 in the morning. Pete walked through the room around 9:00 in the morning and woke us all up. Bleary-eyed and disgustingly stinky, we all got up and had a delicious, greasy bacon and egg breakfast. As we drove back into town, we saw a Maine vanity license plate which read "DICK DOL". The car was inhabited by an elderly couple. I can't believe the motor vehicle branch allowed them that license plate! But maybe the couple were named Dick and Dolly. Who knows? When I finally got home this afternoon, I had a well-deserved and very overdue shower, then staggered into bed and slept until just a few minutes ago.

And how was your weekend?

Fuck You Style Kung Fu

I forgot to mention something else that happened. While opening a bottle of Gatorade, I slashed the edge of my finger open on the plastic lid, giving myself something akin to a deep paper cut. I didn't pay it any mind. However, since there's no running water at the camp and the hygiene was pretty much nil, my finger became infected overnight.

I remember dreaming I had flesh eating disease.

When I woke up, the cut was swollen and angry-looking. It was red and pus-filled, and I couldn't bend it. I managed to locate some peroxide and doused it thoroughly, but it was some time later before I could bend it. In the meantime, I wanted to practice Sum But Sao. Because I couldn't bend my finger, any time I had to make a fist, I was instead giving the finger in a very forceful manner. Try giving a sharp uppercut with just your middle finger extended, and you'll see what I mean.

It made me realize entirely new applications to the form which I suspect where never before investigated.

Link Dump

Look at me empty my browser tabs! Whee!

Teddy Ruxpin RPG Board: People will make roleplaying games out of anything!

Clinical Female Pelvic Trainers: Somewhere out there, someone is using these medical training tools as Real Dolls. I'm very afraid of the people using the episiotomy trainers in this way.

South Pop: Poppy Z. Brite writes Trey Parker and Matt Stone slash.

Man-boobs misery: Just another article about gynaecomastia, featuring a nice photo of Tatum Johnson's moobs (thanks, Phil Walling).

Uh, Wardrobe Malfunction: A nice photo of what Americans probably missed out on during the opening ceremonies of the Olympics. You can see more photos of the Kouros boys here. Basically, it's a bunch of hunky men wearing naked pants.

Aborted baby's head left inside woman: News story complete with disturbing photo.

The Famous Bra Purse: Make a purse out of a bra! You know, I just might start making these to sell....

Quantum Sleeper: "The Quantum Sleeper Unit is a high-level security system designed for maximum protection in various hostile environments." My geeky gamer side says it looks like something developed by the Camarilla (thanks, zen_cat).

A Human Masterpiece: Belgian conceptualist Wim Delvoye's new exhibit is pretty shitty. I'm more fond of his tattooed pigs.

Hatebeak: It's death metal with a parrot as the vocalist.

My Mom Would Never Do That

While at the kung fu seminar, I was partnered up with a senior citizen. She's been studying for three years. I'm very impressed that she began studying such a physically demanding activity in her sixties. I wonder what crazy stuff I'll be taking up when I'm her age!