Introducing the Eplers

These are the Epler sisters, as photographed by Maurice of Chicago. The date is theoretically in the 1930s, but I think it's at least another decade or two after that, considering the other photos I've seen of his. Anyhow, I have no idea who these women were, but I'd sure love to know more! Their headdresses have giant feathers and giant horns. ( How awesome is that? )

Wave Your Legs in the Air Like You Don't Care

I got up early this morning so I could go to a group weightlifting class, but I'm still shagged out from last night's kung fu class. I think I need another couple hours of rest before I go to the gym, not to mention go on my planned kayak excursion tonight.

I found the class particularly brutal last night, possibly because it was indoors for a change. The room was sweltering, and the kicking drills, horse stances, and hundred dragons we did felt even more taxing than usual. We did extensive stretching, including a long bout of the wishbone stretch. To do this stretch, lie on your back with your arse jammed tight against the wall. Put both legs straight against the wall, then let them open out as far as you can. Gravity emphasizes the stretch. A few minutes later, someone comes along and moves both of your legs further down the wall.

I like this stretch. I can really feel it working. It's a good one to practice at home while you read a book.

While in this stretch, I heard a sudden masculine yell, then raucous laughter. I turned my head to see what was going on, but couldn't figure it out. I relaxed back into the stretch, then heard someone else yell, and then there was more laughter. Then Sifu Danny came up to me. "Wanna know what's going on?"

Before I could say anything, he'd grabbed me by the ankles and, in one quick movement, clapped my legs together. This time, the yell I heard was from my own mouth. But so was the laughter.

At this point, we were told to line up to go through our forms. I hobbled my way to the front of the class, and proceeded to go through Sup Bat Sou. All that daily practice I've been doing seems almost for naught. I feel like I've fallen behind, somehow, and the new section we were working on is still eluding me. I just can't get the jumping double kick that lands in a seven star stance. My hands seem to be flailing around in a most disorganized fashion, and the stance a mere afterthought to all the legs flying in the air. I need a lot of practice.

Of course, I think I'd do a lot better if I were a bit less exhausted before beginning my forms. I hope I can get together with Colleen on Sunday to practice.

Review: Hercules in New York

I love Hercules movies, so yesterday, I decided to watch Hercules in New York, also known as Hercules Goes Bananas. This was Arnold Schwarzenegger's (called Arnold Strong in the credits) first flick, his role garnered by the misleading claim of his agent that he had years of stage experience. Of course, the stage experience was in bodybuilding, not theatre.

Still, Arnold's lack of acting experience didn't stop this movie from being made, and somehow, despite such horrendous beginnings, Arnold has since gone on to become a big name in both movies and politics. One particularly eerie line uttered by an Olympian in the movie states that Herc might eventually become the president of the United States. Oh my.

Although I wouldn't consider Arnold to be a master thespian now, his acting and diction have improved enormously since 1970. Hercules in New York is one of those wonderful movies that is so bloody awful, it's an absolute gem. Herc bulldozes his way through NYC with narcissistic chutzpah, thick muscles, and an even thicker "Greek" accent. He is Captain Kirkian in his ability to shed his shirt at a moment's notice, and doesn't waste an opportunity to flex his enormous muscles.

Hercules in New York suffers from some of the same problems as Plan 9 From Outer Space: terrible dialogue, dreadful blocking, incompetent direction, bad actors, and nonexistent continuity. For example, during the climactic fight between Herc and a man in a bear suit, it vacillates between day and night.

I hadn't realized Olympians were into shabby chic. Zeus's throne is in a state of disrepair, and his thunderbolts are fashioned of rebar. To top it off, Venus is homely.

I think my favourite part of the whole movie is when Nemesis chats with Pluto at the gates of Hades. A dog barks in the background (ostensibly Cerberus, who argues with himself incessantly), and at one point, a truck horn honks loudly. Nice touch, don't you think?

It's also a nice touch when Atlas and Samson are sent to give aid to a divinity-stripped Hercules. Shouldn't Alas be holding up the sky or something? And shouldn't Samson be in the Bible? Ah well. Who cares? Obviously not the writers!

As of today, Hercules in New York is ranked #33 in the bottom 100 on IMDB. That sounds about right. Hercules in New York is a must-see for connoisseurs of bad cinema. It's hard to believe it wasn't given the treatment by the MST3K guys.

One Dump Before Dying

GI Joe edited PSAs: Hasbro's trying to get these yanked, so check 'em out while you can. My favourite is the fourth from the bottom.

Calvin Klein's Assault on Houston Street: "Can someone please explain what is up with the Calvin Klein billboard on Houston? Is it about people crawling from the primordial ooze and discovering rimming?"

Wacko Jacko Mask: If you're looking for a really scary Hallowe'en mask, I think this one is a good choice.

Harry Potter and the Search for a King: If you don't want to read the whole thing, just skip to the end of the last section and read the closing paragraphs. Yikes!

Chances 'slim' for survival of two-headed baby: Poor things. Well, if they survive, there's always a chance they could act in yet another remake of The Hitchhiker's Guide.

Night Light Suspected in Rise in Child Leukemia: This whole story seems spurious to me. If light at night time were really a significant cause of cancer, I'd expect there'd be a much higher incidence of cancer amongst the Inuit population. That whole land of the midnight sun thing has got to be carcinogenic! But if it really is just a matter of disrupted sleep, then why blame nightlights and not your snoring roommate?

Self-sustaining killer robot creates a stink: Awesome! So when is the Mars Rover going to start taking advantage of all those Martian flies (thanks, Warren Ellis)?

The Venus: Definitely NSFW. "The Venus has been designed to hide the male genitalia while providing an ultra realistic appearance." You can also purchase a Sheath With Urinating Bladder Venus. There are also "menstruating" models (thanks, zombienought).

Bellydancenet List of Belly Dance Video Clips: Lots to see here!

Jon's Jail Journal: "Jon" is serving a well-earned prison sentence. However, the conditions in jail are absolutely appalling (thanks, Neil Gaiman). Winston Churchill stated "The treatment of prisoners is a good indicator of how civilized a society is.” I guess that means the USA is not terribly civilized, but Canada is. After all, Canucks give their prisoners spa treatments and harp music.

Self-Referential Aptitude Test: My poor mind (thanks, Jack Frost).

Call of the Sirens - Air Raid Sirens of Los Angeles County: Very interesting photo essay.

( And now for a picture of a very foppish little boy. )

Bad Devil

The other day, I stopped by the Salvation Army Thrift Shop to take a look around. The music at Sally-Anne's is almost always some slow, depressing track about how Jesus is my saviour. Imagine my surprise when I realized the shop was playing some upbeat swing music. I stopped and took a closer listen. The words went something like this: "You are the Devil and the Devil is bad. You are the Devil and the Devil is bad! YOU ARE THE DEVIL AND THE DEVIL IS BAD!"

I'm still unsure as to whether this was a usual part of God radio, or if the Salvation Army was trying to convert me to Satanism.

In any case, I ended up buying four paperback novels, including some sci-fi Mormon literature by Orson Scott Card. I'm not sure what this means.