Low-Carb Toilet Paper for This Link Dump

I just got my work schedule. My dance classes abide, but I won't be able to go to kung fu at all next month. This makes me unhappy.

These links vary from cute to repugnant. Mind the warnings.

JL421 Badonkadonk Land Cruiser/Tank: If you buy it through this link, I'll get a nice little percentage.

Weasel Balls: Not disturbing at all, and safe for work. I would like to see what, if anything, my willas would do if confronted by one of these things.

Masturbation: NSFW, but not pornographic, either. Just cute!

Probably Not Safe For Work: Don't click on this. Extreme body modification warning. NSFW and NSFL. Don't say I didn't warn you.

24 kids hurt in escalator accident at NYC movie theater: My schadenfreude is kicking in. No one was seriously hurt, and the picture in my mind makes me giggle to myself in a most malevolent fashion.

DH: Safe for work, but scares me shitless (thanks, balthcat).

THE 100 MOST ANNOYING THINGS OF 2004: "97. FLU SHOT SHORTAGE only in America can there be enough Viagra for every male citizen to have a year long boner, but not enough Flu Shots for old people"

Bogey Ball: I think I linked to this before. Ew.

Lawn Furniture for Literalists: Fine if you don't have allergies.

Pepsi Max Commercial: It made me chortle aloud!

Career day speaker sparks school uproar: "Salesman Bill Fried thought he was keeping it real when he told Palo Alto middle-schoolers at a career day this week that strippers can earn $250,000 a year -- and $50,000 more for every two inches they expand their busts."

The One That Got Away: Fishing meets car chase.

Reconstructive Surgery: A world-record tumor?: "Tampa plastic surgeon C. N. Guerriere, M.D., P.A., didn't consider the tumor he was removing from the neck of a 66 year-old West Virginia woman might earn them both a spot in the Guiness Book of World Records." It looks like the mother of all zits begging to be burst (thanks, Warren Ellis).

The Simulator: Have a typical day.

Les Grans Feux: I learned about this the other day, and I'd love to go see it! Maybe I can arrange to get some time off and go on a road trip....

Huygens-Cassini Live Blogging: For all you space nerds.

Discovery of hidden laboratory sheds light on Leonardo's genius: Imagine finding something like this. It would be like being a Goonie or something (thanks, Benoit)!

Satellite View of Tsunami: Seriously, how stupid or ignorant must one be to believe this is a satellite photograph of a tsunami?

Online Aroma Store: This is my favourite link of the bunch. It includes a list of atypical scents available from Dale Air. These are not your typical room deodourizers. They come in such scents as football changing room, Egyptian mummy, and street bomb. Scroll down to the non-food related option and click on the link. Mmmmm....

Turkey Gas Attack

I can't wait to eat the luscious turkey roasting in my oven. It's stinking up the apartment with the lovely smell of turkey gas. Mmmm....

And now for some more linkage for fun and profit:

Family dog saves boy from waves: What would Lassie do during a tsunami attack? Something like this, I suppose.

Dayalets: Freaky vintage vitamin propaganda (thanks, Resa).

Natives' secret rite linked to B.C. deaths: No one said spirit dancing was easy.

3 Bangs For Your Butt: NSFW. This sex toy makes me laugh and grimace, all at the same time.

Inexplicable Window: What could it mean (thanks, Dead Corpse)?

Fossil Shows Mammal Ate Baby Dinosaur: I'd eat one, too, if I were hungry enough (thanks, Doyce).

Gobble Gobble Gobble

I overindulged.

The turkey was very, very good. So were the mashed potatos, gravy, peas, corn, sweet potatos, orange pop, carrot, baked squash, lemonade, vanilla pumpkin pie, can of Strongbow, glass of vodka and coffee, slice of coffee cake, and a few too many chocolates. Now that I've written that out, I'm doubly perturbed. That was too much food! I won't need to eat for a week! My stomach is so distended I look about six months pregnant when I assume lordosis.

This makes me think up a mean practical joke.

I'm picturing myself in kung fu class during one of our interminable drills. We're doing some sort of punching/conditioning exercise where we take repetitive blows to the midsection. After we've been doing this for quite some time, I pause, look at the Sifu and say, "Should I be doing this, considering I'm pregnant?"

Imagine all the dragons, pushups, and long-term horse stances I'd have to do once the Sifu recovered from his resulting heart attack. Would the pain be worth it?

I'm still not sure....

I just posted the following message to my kwoon's website:

I have good news and bad news.

The good news is I finally got a fulltime job.

The bad news is that my schedule sucks arse, and I won't be able to make any classes for the month of February. Chances are, I won't be able to make many classes at all for several months, when I've achieved such seniority as to work nice, friendly, kung fu-allowing shifts.

This makes me very, very sad.

However, I don't have to go rusty. I'd love it if you were to train with me. I should be available every day (aside from Sundays) around 1:00 or 2:00, if we can find a place to practice. Dmitrii already said he'd train with me on Saturdays. If your schedule affords you the opportunity, won't you come and train with me (somewhere, like the squash courts, even, if we can't get the studio)? This would make me happy, and also make it much more difficult to slip into the motionless apathy I fear if I had no one to train with.

Pretty please?

I'm keeping my non-superstitious fingers crossed.