I'm Not a Victim of Domestic Violence

I'm home from another kung fu seminar. It was a great day, despite a few not so great bits. Just after the warmup, while going through fook fu applications, I hit the wall. My vision and hearing began to shut down, my heart was beating so hard that it made my chest ache, and I was overcome with a serious case of the woozies. I excused myself from my baffled partner, staggered to the back of the room, and collapsed my arse onto a table. I sat there for several moments with my arms bracing me and my feet spread out for better balance. I huffed on my puffer to help open my lungs. Then, when I'd regained sufficient equilibrium, I found a proper chair where I sat, trembled, and concentrated on getting enough oxygen.

Sifus Ricky and John came back to see if I was ok. When a Sifu comes to see if I'm ok, I always feel like a dork. Sifu John insisted I eat a couple of oranges. This helped a lot. About five or ten minutes later, I stood up, and got ready for the next exercise. But the Sifu with the orange prescription said, "Sit down. Your colour is better, but the weakness is still showing around your eyes. Have another orange."

About fifteen minutes later, I was ready to go again, and this time, I made it through the rest of the day. Yay! I love the orange game!

When we were through with the opening exercises, I got to take a seat again. This time, it was to witness nine fellow students testing for their sashes. The sparring matches were the most interesting part. One guy was testing for his brown sash and fought six matches after doing four forms. By the end, I don't know how he was standing. He claims it was by the sole merit of adrenaline.

Another fellow was testing for his blue sash, and was paired up against a much larger guy with a black sash. This was blue sash's fourth match, and he was pretty tired. Yet he managed to do a perfect takedown on the black sash, and everyone cheered. But the black sash guy lost his cool and went psycho. He reciprocated the takedown, and then punched blue sash in the head while he was pinned. He then punched or elbowed him in the face a few more times later in the match, and this was after it had been announced several times that no closed-fist hits were to be aimed at the head. These hits were completely intentional, and several of us in the sidelines were displeased.

I'm unimpressed by people who lose their cool while fighting. They lack self-control. I think we should save berserkers for shock troops.

The afternoon was spent practicing techniques which I haven't worked on for too long, and also on learning brand new techniques. I got to practice Mantis applications with Sifu Andy, and then I had an introduction to Choy Li Fut. We also continued with Hung Gar applications (particularly in reference to bridge hands and tiger claws). Although I like Hung Gar, I just don't have the build for it. I'll never be a real powerhouse unless I mess around with anabolic steroids. No thanks. I don't want to have a four-inch clitoris. Think of the hell it would wreak on my bicycling!

With my reach, speed, accuracy, and flexibility, I think I'm much better suited for Mantis and Choy Li Fut.

Afterwards, twenty-five of us went to an Italian restaurant for a boisterous meal. I got to meet a bunch of new people, including a black sash who really wants to learn Middle Eastern dance. I told her there are a couple of good teachers in her city, and this made her very excited. I hope she goes for it! I was sorry I had to leave. I was really enjoying the company, but I have to work tomorrow. Ugh.

Just before I left, Sifu Jay gave me a hug and told me he enjoys having me in his seminars because I'm "full of piss and vinegar." It's not every day I get hugged by a onetime enforcer for the Chinese Mafia.

Now, I just have to figure out how I'm going to disguise all the bruises on my forearms. I have a dance performance on Monday, and that's when they'll be in full bloom.