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It's a Trap!
May. 10th, 2010 09:41 pmNiagara Falls is a practical joke of a city. The falls themselves are gorgeous, but the rest of the town is an exercise in kitsch and tourist traps. I stayed at a crappity little motel called the Admiral Inn. The place is a total dive. It looks exactly like one of those motels from a horror movie on the outside. The inside is no better. I was asked if I wanted smoking or non-smoking, and said non-smoking. I was then led to my room: a honeymoon suite. This is a picture of my room, from the website:
![[The towels are a lie]](https://p.dreamwidth.org/e00bd934bf63/2919457-794907/admiralinnfalls.com/images/King-bed-Jaccuzzi-1.jpg "[The towels are a lie]")
The door opened, and my nose was overcome with the stench of stale smoke. I guess it was made non-smoking by the lack of ashtrays. Two towels folded into the shape of swans rested on the bed. I gazed at the slummy room, dumbfounded, then at the towels before looking back to the attendant. "Ah, swans," I said. "Cute."
They were our only towels. And they were only hand towels.
Content I hadn't fled screaming, the attendant left, and I examined the room more closely. Tiles had fallen off the bathroom wall and were lying on the floor. The tv and fridge were unplugged. One of the interior windows was busted out, and a shard of glass was sticking up from the frame. The carpet was splattered Jackson Pollock-style with semen stains. The plumbing for the Jacuzzi was installed badly, with the tap not quite clearing the edge of the tub.
We poked at the bed, pulling the bedspread back to look for bugs, dead whores, or brown stains, and were relieved to see the bedding was clean. Because the room was so darned cheap and had a giant tacky red heart-shaped hot tub, we decided to stay and gamble with our lives. So I went to get more towels, and we had a blast.
We spent the evening relaxing in the hot tub, having beer, wine, and cider while watching music videos and UFC. As usual, I drank a bunch of water to make sure I wouldn't be hung over, but forgot about the dehydrating effects of the jacuzzi. Oopsy. More water, next time. I had a nasty hangover the next morning, but enjoyed myself anyway.
The weather was dreadful. It felt more like November than May. It was close to freezing, and it blustered and rained and hailed, so we spent most of our time indoors at cafes, tourist traps, and in the motel. We went to a wax museum, a haunted house, a Ripley's Believe it or Not museum, and a silly ride/movie thing where you sit on seats that vibrate/tilt while watching a roller coaster movie. The latter was most entertaining while on a sleep deficit. The wax museum was just plain creepy and unsettling.
It was just too cold to go on the boat. Next time....
The door opened, and my nose was overcome with the stench of stale smoke. I guess it was made non-smoking by the lack of ashtrays. Two towels folded into the shape of swans rested on the bed. I gazed at the slummy room, dumbfounded, then at the towels before looking back to the attendant. "Ah, swans," I said. "Cute."
They were our only towels. And they were only hand towels.
Content I hadn't fled screaming, the attendant left, and I examined the room more closely. Tiles had fallen off the bathroom wall and were lying on the floor. The tv and fridge were unplugged. One of the interior windows was busted out, and a shard of glass was sticking up from the frame. The carpet was splattered Jackson Pollock-style with semen stains. The plumbing for the Jacuzzi was installed badly, with the tap not quite clearing the edge of the tub.
We poked at the bed, pulling the bedspread back to look for bugs, dead whores, or brown stains, and were relieved to see the bedding was clean. Because the room was so darned cheap and had a giant tacky red heart-shaped hot tub, we decided to stay and gamble with our lives. So I went to get more towels, and we had a blast.
We spent the evening relaxing in the hot tub, having beer, wine, and cider while watching music videos and UFC. As usual, I drank a bunch of water to make sure I wouldn't be hung over, but forgot about the dehydrating effects of the jacuzzi. Oopsy. More water, next time. I had a nasty hangover the next morning, but enjoyed myself anyway.
The weather was dreadful. It felt more like November than May. It was close to freezing, and it blustered and rained and hailed, so we spent most of our time indoors at cafes, tourist traps, and in the motel. We went to a wax museum, a haunted house, a Ripley's Believe it or Not museum, and a silly ride/movie thing where you sit on seats that vibrate/tilt while watching a roller coaster movie. The latter was most entertaining while on a sleep deficit. The wax museum was just plain creepy and unsettling.
It was just too cold to go on the boat. Next time....
