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I dreamed I was sitting in a second-story apartment on King Street when I saw something perturbing. A wind storm had come up, and somehow, an unattended wrecking ball was gradually picking up speed and swinging from one side of the street to the other. As I watched, it smashed into a brick building, denting it in a bit. It knocked a chimney completely off another building. I saw people walking back and forth on pedways, oblivious of the danger. The wrecking ball missed their heads only by about a foot or so. Something had to be done!
I rushed outside onto a balcony, and the wind died down a little. The wrecking ball also slowed down a bit, and I jumped up and caught it. I started jumping up and down while holding the ball, and the chain let out a bit. I kept doing this until the ball was resting on the balcony with lots of chain for slack. Finally, I knew the ball wasn't going to be swinging around anymore, and I went inside to find the right company to call to complain.
The first place I phoned was manned by a guy who talked like a pirate. He used to be a sailor, and said that there was no way it was their wrecking ball, because theirs was way up north right now. However, he said he bet it was Lees Demolition, because that company really sucked. I thanked him, and hung up.
I went to look up the other wrecking companies in the phone book, but all I could find was the Greek section. I didn't even know there was a special section devoted to Greek companies, but there they were, right in the Yellow Pages.
Finally, I found the wrecking section. The company I just spoke to was in there. Their tagline read: "Two regular guys, an ex-con, and a salty dog." It had to be the company I just called, because of the sailor.
And then I found Lees. I gave them a call, and a sleazy-sounding guy agreed to meet with me to discuss damages.
He ended up being not far away at all. I walked about a block and a half with two teenaged boys, and together we went up an alley and into a really slummy office. The man we found there had greasy hair, a nervous complexion, and a cheap polyester suit. "First of all," he said, "how can I recompense you?"
"Oh, I wasn't effected," I said. "It was the chimney off someone's house that was destroyed."
"Good," he said. "Anything I can do to get back at the slumlords suits me just fine. Would you believe that due to Fredericton bylaws, I'm actually forced to keep apartments in poor condition?"
I looked at the boys with me, and they glanced askance right back at me.
"I was beaten up this afternoon," the man continued. "They jumped me in here, and punched me until I bled." He lifted up his sweaty shirt and suit jacket. "Look at this!"
Livid bruises painted his sallow skin. His sides and lower back were a mess. "And they burst my balls!"
"Jesus," I said. "Do you want to go to the hospital? Shouldn't you call the cops?"
"Naa, I'm fine. I've had worse, and there's no need to call the cops. I took care of things, myself."
I glanced over at the guys again. They were barely suppressing shocked laughter.
"Yeah, I took care of him. I ate him..."
I went to say something, but he had more to impart.
"...to death in bed!"
At that, the guys and I walked out of the room, and once out of earshot, broke out into laughter. And then I woke up.
I rushed outside onto a balcony, and the wind died down a little. The wrecking ball also slowed down a bit, and I jumped up and caught it. I started jumping up and down while holding the ball, and the chain let out a bit. I kept doing this until the ball was resting on the balcony with lots of chain for slack. Finally, I knew the ball wasn't going to be swinging around anymore, and I went inside to find the right company to call to complain.
The first place I phoned was manned by a guy who talked like a pirate. He used to be a sailor, and said that there was no way it was their wrecking ball, because theirs was way up north right now. However, he said he bet it was Lees Demolition, because that company really sucked. I thanked him, and hung up.
I went to look up the other wrecking companies in the phone book, but all I could find was the Greek section. I didn't even know there was a special section devoted to Greek companies, but there they were, right in the Yellow Pages.
Finally, I found the wrecking section. The company I just spoke to was in there. Their tagline read: "Two regular guys, an ex-con, and a salty dog." It had to be the company I just called, because of the sailor.
And then I found Lees. I gave them a call, and a sleazy-sounding guy agreed to meet with me to discuss damages.
He ended up being not far away at all. I walked about a block and a half with two teenaged boys, and together we went up an alley and into a really slummy office. The man we found there had greasy hair, a nervous complexion, and a cheap polyester suit. "First of all," he said, "how can I recompense you?"
"Oh, I wasn't effected," I said. "It was the chimney off someone's house that was destroyed."
"Good," he said. "Anything I can do to get back at the slumlords suits me just fine. Would you believe that due to Fredericton bylaws, I'm actually forced to keep apartments in poor condition?"
I looked at the boys with me, and they glanced askance right back at me.
"I was beaten up this afternoon," the man continued. "They jumped me in here, and punched me until I bled." He lifted up his sweaty shirt and suit jacket. "Look at this!"
Livid bruises painted his sallow skin. His sides and lower back were a mess. "And they burst my balls!"
"Jesus," I said. "Do you want to go to the hospital? Shouldn't you call the cops?"
"Naa, I'm fine. I've had worse, and there's no need to call the cops. I took care of things, myself."
I glanced over at the guys again. They were barely suppressing shocked laughter.
"Yeah, I took care of him. I ate him..."
I went to say something, but he had more to impart.
"...to death in bed!"
At that, the guys and I walked out of the room, and once out of earshot, broke out into laughter. And then I woke up.
