How I Found Jesus

[shanmonster]

Last night, while driving home from bingo, Jesus jumped in front of my car and banged up against the windscreen. At first I thought I had hit a moose, but the giant crucifix was the clincher. Although I've seen plenty of cross moose, I've yet to see a crucified one. Even the most stalwart of Roman bodybuilders would be hard pressed to lift a moose, spread its front legs, and nail through its hooves. So the dark, hirsute man with a bloody crown of horns must surely have been the Messiah.

But what was he doing with his big bearded head jammed through my windscreen?

My face and mouth were spattered with blood, but not my own. After my initial screams had worn down to a thin, keening trickle, I managed to gasp out, "Jesus Christ!" It's what I say pretty much every time I'm in a dreadful accident. This time, there was an answer in the affirmative.

A deep, sonorous voice mooed out, "Yes?"

"What are you doing with your head through my windscreen?"

He rearranged a hoof on the hood of my car. "Hasn't anyone ever told you that the Lord works in mysterious ways?"

"Yes, but...."

"No buts," Jesus said. "I'm am simply working in a mysterious way. After all, when I suddenly intruded on your personal space, didn't you utter a prayer, of sorts? Didn't you--an avowed agnostic--suddenly find God?"

He had me there.

I helped him extricate his great head from my shattered windscreen. There was blood on my dashboard, but it smelled remarkably like red wine. I could taste a well-aged cabernet on my lips (it had a distinct bouquet of passion fruit and Golgotha dogwood). Somewhere, off in the distance, I could hear the shrill, blue-and-white ululation of a siren. "Oh shit," I said. "I'm going to be nailed for DUI!"

The Lord winced at my choice of words.

"Look, Jesus? I know you're a right wiz with liquids. I know that you can turn water into wine, and wine into your blood. So how about you turn your blood into water, so I don't get nailed by the breathalyzer?"

He smiled at me. "It is done," he said, and at that, the fine taste of cabernet turned into the chlorinated aftertaste of Fredericton city water.

And that's how I was saved by the Lord. Too bad he wrecked my car, though.

Comments

OH-khayyyyyy, that was cryptic...

[montecristo.livejournal.com]

Care to actually fill us in on what really happened, without all the Stanley Kubric surrealism this time?

• You hit a moose?
• You hit a statue of Jesus?
• You hallucinated hiting something which may have been a moose or Jesus.
• You were drunk?

I give up.

re: meaning

[(Anonymous)]

You mean this might be a metaphor for an actual occurrance??? Damn, I thought she was just making the whole thing up for the hell of it...

Re: meaning

[montecristo.livejournal.com]

Hmm, I didn't account for that possibility. Yep, she's wiley enough to be making the whole thing up too. How about it Ms. Monster, are you going to spill the beans or are you going to take a poll of your fan-base first?

[fireheart.livejournal.com]

I am quite amused.

[minstrel70.livejournal.com]

I'll take heart in the knowledge that you are well enough, free enough, and have your wits about you enough to at least compose this epistle to your followers. Speaking for the crowd, I must say we are concerned, and would like some degree of clarification, though.

Are you OK?

Is the moose OK?

And what about your car?

Is Fredericton water really that bad? (I honestly couldn't taste the chlorine this summer!)

And above all, once again, are you ok?

Most serious about the last one.

[(Anonymous)]

Given how Shan has neither a driver's license, nor a car, me thinks she's making it up.

[fourcorners.livejournal.com]

Love it :)

Re: meaning

[f00dave.livejournal.com]

Yes, she's taking a poll first. (And probably doesn't want me to tell anyone this information, heh heh.)

[f00dave.livejournal.com]

Yes, she's perfectly okay. Well, she has to squint to read, and her stomach's been giving her trouble, and it's bee season, but that's nothing too unusual.

More later. =)

[f00dave.livejournal.com]

She doesn't? You haven't seen her parading around town in her pink Hummer, have you? Lemme tell ya, it's a sight to behold, her driving RIGHT OVER TOP of other cars when they get in her way! She's only gotten stuck a few times, but always manages to get some hapless nearby fan to operate the (pink) winch on the front to get her out. She's even managed to outrun the cops! Which is pretty suprising considering there's only one pink Hummer in Fredericton. I guess they really *are* that dumb.

*nods sagely*

[minstrel70.livejournal.com]

I'm even more confused now, after this and your other comments, than I was last night when there was beer and air travel clouding my mind. I shall have to stay tuned, I guess.

[metasilk.livejournal.com]

I swear you have the oddest dreams. Far, far odder than these (http://quizilla.com/users/bitawbagok/quizzes/dreaming%20of%20sand%2C%20wind%2C%20and%20sky). *chuckle*

[f00dave.livejournal.com]

This wasn't a dream! All her dreams are posted as such, usually with "The Dream" as a subject line....

added you

[punketta.livejournal.com]

an LJ friend mentioned your journal, and ooh boy you're funny!
hope you don't mind i added you.

[metasilk.livejournal.com]

*wickedchuckle* Didn't say it was a dream, did I? (And she does have odd dreams). Nor do I think all dreams occur while sleeping, but I'm too tired to figure out any nonridiculous, usefully metaphysical to explain that further. *merrygrin* Be well,the both of youse!