Save Me!

[shanmonster]

I decided to do another response to one of the many hatemails/you're-going-to-Hell letters I receive on a regular basis. In case you're too lazy to check out Jesus Was Gother Than You, here it is for your enjoyment or shock (depending on your side of the God fence):

The Forgiveness Letter

I fear for you, and so does Christ, because one day you will close your eyes in this world and open them in the next. Heaven and Hell are as real as the words you read, it is not something to gamble with. I pray that you find salvation and forgiveness because it is for everyone who seeks it.

Melissa Dian

---

The Forgiveness Response

Hi, Melissa!

Please don't fear for me, and please don't act as a Holy Spirit medium. For one thing, I'm living a much better life than some unlucky wretches, and for another, it appears both unseemly and presumptuous to be a self-appointed spokesperson for a deity.

Yes, someday I shall die (hopefully, not for a while, yet!), but frankly, I have my doubts that my eyes will be doing any opening afterwards, unless it's the result of some sort of internal gas build-up due to suppuration and other stinky natural processes of decay. In any case, I won't be seeing much, or having an opinion on my surroundings.

Yes, Heaven and Hell are as real as the words I read. However, that doesn't really say too much, now, does it? After all, I've also read the Weekly World News, and it has words on Martian cats, mermaids discovered in tuna sandwiches, and the ilk. Don't believe everything you read. It's unwise.

Praying for my salvation and forgiveness is likewise very presumptuous. Although I'm sure I've wronged someone somewhere, the kissing and making up is between me and that person, and not something you should feel you must resolve. Don't forget that Scripture about eyes, motes, and rafters. It's pretty sage advice.

Toodles!

Comments

Hilarious stuff

[swirlingchaos.livejournal.com]

LMAO! That site is hilarious, particularly the hate mails. The guy who sent you the chick.com cartoons was especially funny. Well, not so much him personally (he was kind of confused), but the cartoon links he sent. I'm glad i didn't read them till everyone else had left work, because i couldn't actually stop laughing.

I'm going to have to spend a few hours sifting through this stuff, but its great fun. I love watching someone who really knows the bible shove it sideways down the throats of those who preach it.

Thanks, you just made my day. Keep up the good work. :)

Re: Hilarious stuff

[shanmonster.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you like it. Lately, I find I've been letting that part of my site go to Hell (heh), because I've been so busy with other things. That, and the hate mail gets really monotonous. It's been a long time since I've had one that was particularly intriguing. Usually, it's the same-old, same-old.

Re: Hilarious stuff

[swirlingchaos.livejournal.com]

Oddly, one thing i noticed about your hate mail is that its generally better spelled than most. Most hate mail i've seen on websites tends to be nearly unintelligible. Then again, i didnt sift through all of it, so maybe i'm just out to lunch. :)

By the way, i found this little satirical response to one of the 'chick' cartoons. Too bad there isnt more of them. Now THAT would be a fun project!

http://delusion.smart.net/chyx/dorkdark.html

[fairephil.livejournal.com]

You have just completely won me over! That reply was priceless and seriously appreciated. Can I print that out and paste it to my forehead for family gatherings?

Much respect!!

In my best Irish Catholic brogue...

[montecristo.livejournal.com]

Ooh, you're gonna smoke a turd in Purgatory fer sure, for that one, Shann-y, me lass...

Re: In my best Irish Catholic brogue...

[f00dave.livejournal.com]

Smoking a turd. The imagery! *claps*

[fourcorners.livejournal.com]

That was the first contact I ever had with you, through the gothic Jesus link. It was brilliant, and I so adored looking through all the angry christian letters and your clever take-no-offense responses. I love it when you do this stuff