I'll Be Keeping My Keeper

[shanmonster]

I think the last of this menses have been flushed out of my system, so now, as promised, here's my review of The Keeper, the newest weapon in my bee-killing arsenal. I dished out a lot of money for my little piece of rubber, but I know the money was well spent. The way I figure, I spend about twice as much each year on pads, tampons, and liners as I did for the Keeper. And the good thing is, this Keeper should last me for years.

When Aunt Flo showed up, I responded by getting my Keeper out of its cutesy little purple cloth bag. I was a little nervous about using it, because it looks so incredibly different from anything else I've put near my most holy of holies, but I was willing to give it a go. After all, I'd spent about $60 for it. So I followed the instructions and trimmed the little stem thing down to about two centimetres in length, and then I decided to give the Keeper a whirl.

The Keeper is made of rubber, and smells like a tire. It's soft and squooshy, kind of like a soft eraser at the end of a pencil. The instructions say to wet the Keeper and your hand, fold the Keeper in half lengthwise, and then squidge it into the appropriate orifice (you probably could put it in just about any orifice, but it'll only do it's job properly if it's placed in the correct one).

Once the Keeper has been launched, you're supposed to give it a little twist to make sure it opens up properly.

Here's what happened when I followed the instructions....

First of all, I'm glad I keep my hedge trimmed, because I see the possibility for unhappy friction between rubber and hair. Secondly, while pushing the Keeper in place, I could hear all sorts of weird and wonderful sounds--rather like two inflated balloons trying to hump one another, or like a very small elephant trumpeting its dismay. Thirdly, once the Keeper was in, there was no way I could grab the little stem and give a twist without shoving my whole dadblasted arm up my wazoo.

Luckily, I didn't need to twist it. The Keeper did a fine job of opening up like a happy umbrella all by itself. Once the Keeper was in place, I did feel a little odd. Sometimes, when I have a tampon in, I get a kind of icky feeling in my lower abdomen. This sensation was similar, but passed in about ten minutes. Then, I couldn't even feel the Keeper at all. I felt like I normally feel on a non-bee-killing day (only with a bit of a backache and water retention, but the Keeper can't solve everything).

I was able to do my day's work (nude modelling for artists) without any sort of menstrual to-do.

Later on that evening, I got to experience the pleasure that is ganking the Keeper out of my snatch. At first, I wasn't sure how to do this, but I bore down on it like I was trying to pass a gigantic turd, and the Keeper moved close so close that my clutching fingers were able to trepidatiously grab it and carefully squeeze it out.

I was afraid that the Keeper would be filled to the brim, but fortunately, I wasn't hemmorraging that day, and there was just a bit of rust-coloured fluid in the recepticle. I rinsed it out and washed it with hot, soapy water, and planted it one more time.

By about three days into my cycle, I was a pro at using the Keeper. Although it still makes elephant noises, I'm no longer fisting myself in order to get the darned thing in place.

I was able to make it through this entire period using only the Keeper. There was no leakage, and no stained panties. In fact, I even got to wear a nice, white cotton thong without any worries. Before using the Keeper, I saved my pretty underwear for the other three weeks of the month.

Another good thing about the Keeper is the sharp reduction in the amount of toilet paper necessary for a typical rest on the can. Normally, when I'm on the rag, I go through several trees' worth of TP in an attempt to staunch the flow and keep my crack from rusting shut. With the Keeper, I'm back to using just the little bit of TP I normally need throughout the rest of the month.

The only real down side I can see to the Keeper happens when I go to drop a log. As I mentioned before, in order to remove the Keeper, I have to bear down like I'm trying to shit. Soooo, when I actually am shitting, I have this horrid fear that the Keeper will shoot out of me into the murky, horrible depths of the toilet.

I was able to adjust my strain level in order to keep the Keeper in place, though, so it's not that big of a problem.

The other possible downside has to do with sex. You cannot have normal sex with the Keeper in place. Any attempt to do so would either fill the guy's urethra with Keeper stem, or it would result in a sensation awfully similar to a toilet plunger in action.

I've had one person refer to the Keeper with distaste, saying she thought it was unhygienic to keep reusing something that goes into a cunt, but I don't see her throwing out her dildos and vibrators, so there goes that argument. As long as the Keeper and your hands are clean, there should be no problems. And the Keeper is much tidier than a tampon (which always looked distressingly like a dead mouse to me, post vulva). You don't have to worry about getting endometrium all over your hands since the Keeper catches it all.

One more added bonus: the Keeper is terrific for the environment! Just think, you're saving money and trees by cutting back on pads, tampons, and toilet paper. My Keeper is a keeper!

Comments

[dixsept.livejournal.com]

I use one of those, too. For the first couple of days, I was terrified I was going to leak, but now I think it's god's own menstrual device. Yay!

keeper advertisement

[jacevene.livejournal.com]

You should send this into the Keeper Company so they can use it to bring in some customers! I remember reading about the Keeper last year, but I forgot about it after awhile. So the thing works fine while you're asleep, too, huh? I wonder if swimming with it would be a problem, though if the suction is that good, I don't see that it would be so bad. One of the pros of the Keeper is that you have no chance of toxic shock syndrome like you do with tampons.

Anyway, thanks for the review. It was the most entertaining thing I've read in a long while.

Re: keeper advertisement

[f00dave.livejournal.com]

I stumbled on the Keeper site by accident (was searching for "learning to use muscles never used before", oddly enough), and discovered that they already *have* tons of "testimonials". But what the fuck, eh? She'd have to tone down a bit of the language, though, but I think it's a good idea....

Re: keeper advertisement

[purrthecat.livejournal.com]

To answer your question regarding swimming whilst Keepered, it is fine. I have used the Keeper for over a year now, and regularly go swimming (when feeling up to it considering cramps etc). I've had no problems with doing normal activities that could be affected by other products. The Keeper is discreet and very effective. :)

Re: keeper advertisement

[shanmonster.livejournal.com]

Yup. And I've worn it while teaching a pretty intensive dance class, and didn't even feel it, unlike dancing while wearing a squooshy pad. Yuck!

[purrthecat.livejournal.com]

*giggles* I love the bit about the noises that ensue during 'planting'. Mine tends to sound like a wet tornado followed by a soaked umbrella being opened quickly. Very strange sounds, but worth it for the usefulness of the Keeper.

You could crosspost this to the Keeper community. (There's one on LJ.) They love to discuss the Keeper. :)

I'm so glad it's helping you too. After I found the Keeper over a year ago, I almost became a Keeper Prophet - telling the uninformed masses about the alternative that was such a huge secret! I'd never heard of it till LJ. Good luck Keepering from now on! :)

Oooo

[jagnightwalker.livejournal.com]

I've really been interested in this, but I'm wondering if it would even work for me :(

I have a tipped uterus, and anything that has to create a suction around the cervix doesn't work, because my cervix lies not at the END of the vaginal canal, but more at the bottom.

Is there a money back anything on this thing? I get infections from tampons, but bleed like a sieve and wish I had something *better*.

Re: Oooo

[shanmonster.livejournal.com]

Yes, they do have a guarantee. They said if it you're not happy with it within the first three months (I think), that you can send it back for a refund minus the shipping.

I think you and I could be friends

[pumagirl.livejournal.com]

A white thong even! SOLD!!
Thanks for the public service announcement. I've been enlightened by you through your clever post in wordoftheday
I've just one question: does it still smell like a tire, or with repeated planting and washing does that terrible rubber smell go away?

Re: I think you and I could be friends

[shanmonster.livejournal.com]

Well, it still smells like rubber, but not so strongly that wafts of tire-smells should ever emit from your crotch.