Enlighten This

Someone stole the tail lights off my bike. I need to take my bike in for an overhaul because it feels loose and gronky, and my rear tire has a slow leak. I need headlights and tail lights, too. But I can't help but wonder if it's worth it, if my repairs and upgrades are just ripped off again by some thieving SOB. I guess it's a gamble I have to take, because I do a lot of biking at night.

Maybe the greasy dirty man stole my tail lights when he couldn't find a flashlight. Bah. I'm not a happy camper biker.

Last night's meditation class left me restless. We did a walking meditation, which was basically a big ol' follow-the-leader around a parking lot. Then we went upstairs and sat in crossed-leg position for the seated meditation. I was broiling hot, as usual, and dreaded the part where we wrapped a towel around our laps. But I did it. And then the monastic chickie said to close the windows to drown out the traffic noises, and I knew I was doomed. I was in a hot room with about a dozen or so other people, each generating stifling amounts of body heat, and I couldn't escape it.

So I sat still for twenty minutes and focused on trying to make myself cool. Unfortunately, it didn't work. Although I can will myself warmer, I seem to have a block when it comes to changing the temperature the other way.

Then we did another walking meditation, creeping oh-so-slowly around the tea house all in a line, with men always in front of women for some bizarre reason. Frankly, I felt preposterous, but forced myself to focus on the tiny muscular changes in my feet as I walked glacially slow. My quads cried out in pain, but that's more a result of the abuse I've been putting them through for the last couple of weeks.

And then we sat for another half hour. At one point, I snuck my hand down to massage my right foot, and was startled when I touched someone else's foot. I jerked my hand away and simultaneously realized that no, that is my foot. Meditation in cross-legged seated pose is not conducive to proper blood flow.

By the end of the class, I decided I didn't want to go through with this any more, that my meditation works best on my own, and not in a group.

But then I went out for delicious wings at Morty's (a nearby pub) with athena_51, fromdusktil, Reg, Willie, and one other (whose name has escaped me), and so enjoyed the company that I'll keep going to class if only for the pleasure of going out with them after class again. I may not have achieved enlightenment, but I have achieved endarkenment. It's more goth that way, right?

I have a job interview today. Wish me luck, and lots of monies.

And here are the links du jour. Enjoy!

Universe 'child of previous one': "It proposes that the Universe undergoes cycles of 'Big Bangs' and 'Big Crunches', meaning our Universe is merely a 'child of the previous one'. It challenges the conventional view of the cosmos, which observations show to be 12-14 billion years old."

How Hookworm Can Cure Asthma, Hayfever and Inflammatory Bowel Disease (IBD): Eugh.

Scientists probe the use of the tongue: Military researchers believe organ could be key to a super warrior: Why is my mind always in the gutter?

Can You Dig It? (doyce's story)

Labelling matters, I tell you. Some people may call me a thief, but I call myself a liberator. Some call me a grave-robber. I call myself an archaeologist.

I've been stealing from the dead for fourteen years. Sixteen, if you include the summer courses during my undergrad studies, but all I liberated then were potsherds. I don't know what made me continue. Potsherds are uninteresting, no matter how you look at them--jigsaw pieces which fit together to make crazyquilt jugs and bowls and pots. But no one, aside from a few art historians really give two figs about potsherds.

If you want to be an effective archaeologist, you have to keep focused. It's all about the big discovery. I wanted to be a Heinrich Schliemann, plowing indiscriminately through layers of dirt and potsherds and city to find the mother lode of history. Maybe I'd find Atlantis, or the lost civilization of tropical ancient Antarctica. Or maybe, like Indiana Jones, I'd fight with Nazis over proper ownership and distribution of some ancient artefact of enormous religious impact. It's about time someone found Aaron's rod or the Holy Grail.

And I suppose that's what's kept me going. I keep hoping I'll be the one to make the monumental discovery, but unless the discovery is yet to be found in the countless potsherds I've swept, then I don't think I've succeeded. Yet.

Tonight's expedition takes place in a little graveyard outside a minster in England. Yes, it's to be done at night. And no, I'm not telling you where. It's bad enough that I'm doing my digging under cover of night without the judgemental likes of you impeding on my progress.

I won't even be taking my grad students with me on this dig. They don't agree with my methodology, and I've had bad experiences in the past with idealistic do-gooders turning informant. Did you know I could have my tenure revoked? Yet another reason for me not to tell you where I'm going. You might inform the clergy, and that's far beyond red tape.

I'm not finding potsherds tonight. I'm finding something of such enormity that I cannot share it with the world. The world is not ready for this. It's why it was hidden amongst ancient bishop bones in the first place.

Only I am ready for this. The world is on the cusp of an enormous change, and you won't even notice. Heinrich Schliemann and Indiana Jones are going to be small potatos after tonight. And now, if you will excuse me, I must gather my tools.

Earth Laboratory Project: A Breeding Report (shangchi's story)

After creating a suitable habitat for the test subjects in the Earth laboratory, a male and female of the human species were introduced to Lat.-Long. 31° 68' , 45° 0', in the place known as Eden. In spite of dietary problems, subjects were able to reproduce successfully.

By the time ten generations came to pass (6020 earth years), a robust breeding population was extant, and the next phase of the breeding program was initiated. A mass fertilization program commenced. Adult males of our species with viable sperm counts were sent to the Earth laboratory to inseminate select human females. Offspring achieved normal adult human size within six Earth years, and by puberty, were double the size of the average human. The offspring were both aggressive and reproductively potent, and bred rapidly. They were on the verge of replacing the population of the Earth laboratory with their own offspring. Rather than have them completely remove the initial breeding population, it was decided to terminate the experiment. The laboratory was sterilized with water for a period of forty days, and the experiment started anew. The new breeding population consisted of eight humans (four of each gender), plus either mated pairs or sets of seven of each species of Earth fauna.

In another four hundred years, the breeding population was sufficient to make another attempt. Two breeding males of our species were sent to Lat.-Long. 31° 36' , 35° 48', in the twin cities known as Sodom and Gomorrah. The experiment was aborted when humans of the wrong gender attempted copulation with the envoys. In order to prevent cross-contamination, the cities were sterilized by fire.

The next breeding attempt was made two thousand years later. When the chosen human female was in a receptive state, a fertile male of our species was dispatched to Lat.-Long. 32° 41' , 35° 18', in the place known as Nazareth. It was decided to inform the female of her purpose. Conception went smoothly, and a healthy male was born.

The aggression issues of earlier did not reappear, possibly due to a lack of competition, or possibly due to the mother's knowing cooperation with the experiment. More research must be conducted in this area.

The offspring was a perfect physical match to the human species. As he approached adulthood, he demonstrated abilities previously descriptive of only our species (eg. performing transmutative acts for dietary purposes, altering localized water tension during locomotion, resuscitation of the recently-deceased). When the subject achieved adulthood, he was brought to our home laboratories for further study.

The interbreeding experiment has been a complete success.

All that we ask for now is guidance on how to procede with the Earth laboratory. It has become overpopulated over the past two thousand years. We have prepared another mass sterilization and await your orders.

Dink Lump

Creationism dismissed as 'a kind of paganism' by Vatican's astronomer: I didn't know the Vatican had an official astronomer. I guess I learned something today.

Armed dog mess mugger is jailed: "A knife-wielding mugger who robbed a woman of her bags before discovering they were full of dog mess has been jailed for four years." All sorts of obvious puns can be made about this. I'll let your brain fill them in.

Tiger attacks five-year-old: Apparently, she mistook the tiger for a kitten. Oops.

Langley assault prelude to bizarre videos: What do you get when a Christian nutbar goes all S&M on unwilling partners? Bible Thumpers, apparently.

Family Booted From Buffet For Wasting Too Much Food: Good on the restauranteurs, I say! People need to learn their manners somehow.

Man flogs wife's box on eBay: Kinda sorta NSFW. "You know how it is: you've got a 30-inch cock but your wife's box is only six inches. The only intelligent solution is to offer the box for sale on eBay, as this Wisconsin vendor attempted to do."

The Whole Venus and Mars Thing: Cute sexist joke. An oldie, but a goodie (thanks, balthcat).