Sardonique

Tender-Heartedness

Little Willie, in the best of sashes,
Fell in the fire and was burned to ashes.
By and by the room grew chilly,
But no one liked to poke up Willie.

Aunt Eliza

In the drinking-well
(Which the plumber built her)
Aunt Eliza fell–
We must buy a filter.

Waste

I had written to Aunt Maud,
Who was on a trip abroad,
When I heard she’d died of cramp
Just too late to save the stamp.

Indifference

When Grandmamma fell off the boat,
And couldn’t swim (and wouldn’t float),
Matilda just stood by and smiled.
I almost could have slapped the child.

Compensation

Weep not for little Léonie,
Abducted by a French Marquis!
Though loss of honour was a wrench,
Just think how it’s improved her French.

Mr. Jones

“There’s been an accident,” they said,
“Your servant’s cut in half; he’s dead!”
“Indeed!” said Mr. Jones, “and please
Send me the half that’s got my keys.”

- by Harry Graham

Wow.

Kitt. Cat.

Hectic. Hectic. Up and down.

So f00dave was away in California for a week, and I spent my time cleaning like whoa. My room has a bare floor and furniture uncluttered with leaning piles anymore! I even organized my bookshelf, which has been on my I'll-get-around-to-it-sometime list ever since I moved here several years ago.

At some point during all this, the hard drive on my computer died. I tried not to panic as I thought of all my research and writing files that might be lost to me forever. I tried not to worry about my music collection. But I worried anyway. The most annoying thing is that I'm getting Dave's old computer shortly, and would have been able to transfer all my files if my computer had been nice enough to wait just another week or two before dying. I didn't even know it was dying. It seemed healthy enough.

Fortunately, double-plus good DOES happen from time to time. Dave came home, and gifted me with an early birthday present: a new laptop! I promptly named it Kitt. And then, miraculously enough, my computer eventually did load up again. In fact, I'm typing on it right now, although it is acting sluggish. I have most of my files transferred over, and am hoping this machine will last until I take over Dave's old computer.

And all along, I keep cleaning and tidying and cleaning and listening to audio books all the while.

And then my poor part-time kitty, Tasselhoff, took very sick very suddenly. And today she was put down. She was calm and peaceful, thankfully. She graced me with one last bout of purring when I patted her. And then she had an injection and slipped off into sleep and then death. It felt wrong to leave her in the room, unattended. She'd been there, and now, it was just a vacant furry body, still looking like she was just sleeping. Poor kitty.

Now I'm sad again.

"I Know Kung Fu."

Several years ago, I frequented a forum which no longer exists. A woman posted how she and her husband had hired a personal trainer, and how they'd done a full workout and were very sore the next day, and that walking was a bit difficult.

Someone made a reply that went something like this: "You need to sue! That gym needs to be shut down and that trainer should never get work again. There's just no excuse for that!"

I was flabbergasted.

This is just one extreme example of something I encounter on a regular basis, though. People seem to think that they can get in shape with little effort, and certainly no discomfort.

I don't know where this magical thinking comes from. The Matrix, perhaps, where Neo downloads the sum total of kung fu? Maybe? I dunno. Do you know what "kung fu" means? It roughly translates to "hard work," which makes that whole scene of instant mastery in the Matrix rather ironic to me.

If you work your muscles harder than usual, or in a different way than usual, you will likely be sore for the next couple of days. There's a term for this: DOMS (Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness). The best way to prevent DOMS is either to never use those muscles (unrealistic, unless you're confined to bed), or to exercise regularly. As you strengthen those muscles, the DOMS decrease over time.

A friend once told me she wanted to get in excellent shape. I asked her what sort of shape, ie. what was her ultimate goal? She told me she wanted to be able to run all day without exhaustion. She asked me what she needed to do to attain this goal. I told her she'd need to run several times a week, and when she was sure she was too tired to run any further, to run for 30 more seconds.

She didn't like it, but I told her that until she actually ran regularly, or started taking angel dust, she would never be able to run all day. In fact, she may as well be wishing she could flap her arms to fly. She never did start running, though now, more than a year later, she has started doing some regular exercise. I wish her good luck. If she sticks with it, she'll get in much better shape. But until she actually starts running, she'll never be a runner.

I've often had students give up an exercise because they thought it was too hard. I told them that if the exercise was easy, that they wouldn't be getting much benefit from it. If you only do the exercises that are easy, you will plateau really quickly.

While teaching a class, I've had students just stop doing anything at all during certain exercises. I told them they're only cheating themselves, and that they can at least do some other exercise while everyone else works. They reluctantly start doing crunches or jumping jacks when I point that out.

I don't understand their recalcitrance. If they're not there to exercise, why are they in a fitness class? I seriously don't get it. Do they think they can pay the money, show up to a class, not actually do anything, and still get a smoking hot bikini body? Really? Really?

I think the answer to this is yes.

One woman used to show up to my fitness classes regularly, and go through the motions without actually exerting. I don't think I ever saw her crack a sweat, or do even half of the repetitions for a particular exercise. And then, one day, she was the only one in my class, and she got a private one-on-one. She told me she'd been exercising for several months now, but didn't feel any different, and hadn't lost any weight, and her measurements hadn't changed. I told her I'd put her through the class and watch her form and technique very carefully. And with my one-on-one attention, she worked, and she worked damned hard. When I saw her slack off, I stopped the stopwatch and told her I'd resume when she was through her break, to make sure she did the exercise for the full length of time.

When she did very weak, sloppy pushups, I corrected her form and changed the angle so she could do it properly in a way which challenged her without being impossible.

She sweated. She complained. She balked. And at the end of the class, she smiled. She'd never worked this hard before. But she'd done all of the exercises, and she'd done them correctly. I told her that this is how it felt to exercise. A mixture of tiredness, complaining muscles, and exultation. And when the stretches were done, a feeling of loose limberness. I said that if she wanted to see results, she needed to apply herself and actually work.

I once had a student laugh at the beginning of every exercise and say, "Have you looked at us? Do we look like we can do that?"

And I answered with, "I don't judge based on appearance. Fitness comes in all shapes and sizes." And I believe this, too. Just because someone is skinny doesn't mean they're fit. Conversely, just because someone is fat does not mean they're unfit. Look at these photos of athletes and dancers at the top of their form, and you'll see just how diverse fitness can be. Fitness fills a wide spectrum.

Getting in shape is not comfortable. It is not easy. It is not instant. You cannot magic your way there. There is no pill or powder that will turn you into a swimsuit model. You cannot pay someone else to make you fit.

Only you can do this for yourself, and you need to work hard.

I know how to work hard. I know kung fu.

Riding a Big Bike

A week from today, I plan on riding a giant bike (I don't think it qualifies as a bicycle, considering it has more than 2 wheels, but it is a pedal power thing) in order to raise funds for heart and stroke research.

If you can afford it, please donate to the cause. My Big Bike pledge page is here.

Thank you for your support. My brain and heart thank you, too.