shanmonster | My Lovely Lady Lumps

Kung fu was both rougher and easier than I anticipated.

I made it through the warmup fine (although my leaping dragons lacked oomph), but when it came to partner exercises, I got screwed. I was paired up with

gha5t for an old favourite. You try to kick your buddy in the abs, and they have to block. If you get blocked, it's your partner's turn. If you make a hit, go for another. So I was doing quite well with three hits to his zero, when I threw a particularly sloppy kick. That's what happens when you're rusty.

So I kick, and he blocks, of course. But in doing so, he jams the crook of his bony, bony elbow right into a nerve cluster. My first reaction was a big dramatic limp and yelp. Then I tried to do another kick, but with the other foot. That's when I realized I couldn't stand on that foot. Being a trooper, I tried kicking with it, instead. But I couldn't do that, either.

As I stared down at my foot in dismay, everyone was told to switch partners. My sock was bulging propritiously. Sifu Ricky escorted me I hopped over to the corner of the room. "I'm going to need some ice," I said.

He passed me over to Pete, who apparently thought I wanted to fight him, as he bowed and assumed a fighting stance. I laughed and said, "It will be one hell of a short fight."

Sifu Ricky said, "No, no! No fighting. Can you fetch her some ice instead?"

I peeled my sock off. My ankle had a bulge the size of a male swimsuit model's crotch. "Oh," said Pete, and went to fetch ice.

"Well, now. Isn't this fancy?" I said.

I slouched on a chair and stuck my foot way up on a table. I was impressed at the girth of my ankle. It was wobbly and bloated like what dangles between a bull's hind legs.

I tested my range of movement. It was pretty good, impeded only by the swelling. Nothing was broken, at least.

When the ice arrived, Sifu Ricky tied it on with my sash (I knew those things were good for more than just looks). I laid back on the floor with my icy foot waving in the air for a good fifteen minutes, until I could no longer stand the cold.

The swelling had subsided. The lump was now the size of half a large egg. I named it Bobby.

Afterwards, Linda and

gha5t gave me a ride home, and I milked my invalid status for all it was worth, making

gha5t fetch me tea and oranges.

I slept with my foot elevated, and when I woke up this morning, the swelling had almost entirely disappeared. It's still tender, but doesn't look appreciably different.

Now, let's see if I'll be able to get through tomorrow night's class unscathed!