I See You

[shanmonster]

The students at the art school see me as an object. I'm essentially a big doll to them. I can be put into all sorts of gestures and postures, and then the students draw me. Everyone sees me differently. The way people see me is sometimes comfortable to me, and sometimes excruciatingly uncomfortable.

After work today, I was on my way to a grocery store to pick up some bread and milk when I was halted by a beggar. He told me he lived outdoors, that he hadn't eaten today, and if I could spare anything--a penny even--he'd be grateful.

I believe this guy sleeps outdoors. I've seen the malodorous man sitting next to him curled up on a park bench several times, now.

"Come with me and I'll buy you a sandwich," I said.

His eyes just about bulged out of his head. "Do you really mean it?" he asked. "I haven't had a scrap to eat all day."

"Yes, I mean it. What would you like? Would you like a burger? I can get you one at McDonald's."

He jumped up off the bench and started following me. "Anything you want to get me would be great! My heart just stopped in my chest when you said that to me. I've been picking butts off the ground all day." He stared at me like I was some sort of an angel, and I led him to McDonald's and bought him a double Big Mac combo. He tentatively asked me if I could get him some extra salt, and then sat at one of the little tables with a mixture of excitement, disbelief, and hunger on his face.

I felt very uncomfortable, and filled with guilt. I felt guilty for buying him a Big Mac meal instead of something more nutritious. He'd probably get the shits and be just as hungry afterwards, and have a sore stomach, to boot. I felt bad that he probably wouldn't get another meal tomorrow, because people turn a blind eye to folks like him. And when people I knew were also lined up at the McDonald's, I was worried that they'd see me buying a meal for a panhandler and then the guy would feel shame in having begged a meal.

So I bought the meal (with extra salt), and took it back to him at his table. Once again, he gazed at me like I was some sort of guardian angel. It was disconcerting. He only caught me when I happened to have a little bit of money in my wallet and was feeling uncharacteristically magnanimous. I said goodbye, and went back to the grocery store to get my bread and milk.

The man's buddy was still sitting in his own fug on the bench. I wondered if he was hungry, too, and when I paid for my groceries, I added a carton of cookies. But when I walked back outside, he was gone. I guess I have some chocolate chip cookies to eat, now.

A pigeon on the sidewalk paused from pecking at a pizza crust and gawked at me. It saw me as either a threat or a possible source of more food. When I kept going, it relegated me to moving scenery and continued working on the stale crust. Across the street, a group of young men were walking. One elbowed another and gestured my way. They all smiled at me winningly. They were obviously seeing me as eye candy in my hotpants and crop top.

I'm a doll, an angel, a threat, a food source, and a nice piece of ass. In the eyes of others, I'm all of these things. But when I look in the mirror, I see only me.

Comments

[bloobert.livejournal.com]

That was a really nice thing to do Shan.

[shanmonster.livejournal.com]

I suppose it was nice, but he'll just be hungry again tomorrow, and he'll still be sleeping on the ground.

[iroshi.livejournal.com]

Regrettably, most of the panhandlers around here, if you offer to buy them a sandwich instead of giving them money, will say no thanks. Most of the panhandlers in Dallas are making a surprising amount of money...they've done exposes on it, and people still keep giving them money.

I'll give food (actually, I'm on pretty good terms with a couple of the actual disabled guys who hang out in front of the ER on my way into work), but I won't give them cash. And I'm shocked at the idiots, especially in this town, who do.

[shanmonster.livejournal.com]

This was the first person to ever accept my offer of a meal. The rest all said no.

[iroshi.livejournal.com]

Yeah. Around here, you get to be able to tell the ones who actually need food from the ones who want money. I've done this more times than I can count...I work at a medical school, which, situated right next to the *public* hospital, is not in a particularly good neighbourhood. So if I go across the street to the McDonald's, I'm going to pass, necessarily, a lot of wino's and panhandlers. (Not to mention that if I walk *up* the street in anything resembling street clothes rather than office attire, I get cars actually stopping and asking my price...and they're not being insulting. *sigh* Yeah, it's that kind of neighbourhood.

So, anyway, it's not unusual to get asked for money on your way into McDonald's. If they try to pull the hungry ploy, I'll say no, but I'll buy an extra burger and offer it to them on the way back out. I've only had that burger accepted twice, out of about 50 times people have asked me for money. Most of the time the person is gone by the time I get back out.

On the other hand, the disabled guys who hang out at the bus stop or the smoking section in front of the hospital on my walking route between the train station and my office? They've always got a smile or a joke for me, whether I've got a breakfast sandwich or a granola bar for them or *not*. :) They're there waiting for their appointments at the hospital because they've got nothing better to do...no money, and nowhere to go.

[iroshi.livejournal.com]

And I see a complex, interesting, articulate, caring young lady, with a really cool outlook on life, all wrapped up in a beautiful and athletic package. But then, I don't tend to spend much time looking at people's surfaces. Ask the people who know me...the people that I pass on the street, the ones who live next door to me, or the apartment building next to mine, the ones that I don't know and can't see their insides? I don't even notice that they exist, for the most part. Why should I? They're just outsides, unless we happen to run into each other and circumstances make a situation that opens up the inside a bit. Then I'll see them. Until then, they're pretty much invisible to me.

But don't mind me; I'm an alien...

[shanmonster.livejournal.com]

Everybody sing it now: "It's no fun being an illegal alien!"

[iroshi.livejournal.com]

::snicker::

But...but...I'm perfectly legal! I sweeeeeeeear! I'm over 21 and everything. 21 greeplocks maybe...

[mr-stubbly.livejournal.com]

I hired a homeless guy to paint my house last year he worked cheap but he just drank up what I paid him and wound up in jail after drunkenly pissing in a public place one night...I just drive by the homeless people and wonder what became of him after that experience but he was a hell of a good house painter...
It's good to try and help but you have to wonder if you're actually doing any real and lasting good.

No pics of you in hotpants and crop top for us to ogle? ::drool:: ::giggle::

[shanmonster.livejournal.com]

You'll have to ask f00 for those kinds of pictures. He's my official photographer!

[mr-stubbly.livejournal.com]

Ha ha... I was just being playful. I'm glad you have a good sense of humor.

[shanmonster.livejournal.com]

Well, he does have quite a few pictures of me up on his LJ. No shorts and crop tops, though....

[f00dave.livejournal.com]

I *did* send you that one blurry shot of you wearing a small top and shorts, didn't I? :-P

[fourcorners.livejournal.com]

Not only was that really nice, but you made him feel like a human again. Your big mac helped restore something emotional, that maybe people do care sometimes and that not everybody's a prick. While his burger might cause him grief in the future, the warmth of your action might help him feel better about himself, knowing that there's angels out there who aren't disgusted by him

[shanmonster.livejournal.com]

I just hope the burger didn't give him the shits. That would just suck.

[wolfeskitchen.livejournal.com]

To me, you're a great read, a fellow martial-artist and an inspiration.

[shanmonster.livejournal.com]

What? I'm not a hot piece of ass? *snicker*

[wolfeskitchen.livejournal.com]

Hey, if you're dying to be a hot piece of ass, then so be it.

[f00dave.livejournal.com]

HANDS OFF MY WIFE, DAMNIT!

...

(unless I can take pictures)

[shanmonster.livejournal.com]

Hey!

[metasilk.livejournal.com]

Thanks for doing that for him. Shits or no, the comfort and respect you gave him will last.

[shanmonster.livejournal.com]

I can only hope....