shanmonster | Unconventional Uses for Everyday Items

First of all, from The Aeneid comes a funny little story of a warrior escaping with his infant daughter. He is determined to save her life. A ravening army is at his back, and in front of him is a fast and treacherous river. He's afraid the baby will drown if he crosses the river with her in his arms, so he thinks for a while before coming up with a solution.

He lashes the infant to his spear.

Aha, I think. He's going to wade across the river with the baby held overhead like a pennant.

But no, I'm very wrong. I'm not thinking like a hero.

Heroes hurl baby-clad spears across the river.

I can't help but wonder how healthy such a baby would remain. I'd suspect the damage sustained upon impact to be considerable, but this kid was a real trooper. She was consecrated to Diana and grew up to be a warrior, of course. And because it was the trendy thing for lady warriors, she ran around with one breast uncovered while she fought (so much for D&D maille bikinis, hmm?). After slaying many, many, MANY warrior dudes, she finally got skewered beneath her bare breast by a spear and died in battle.

There was no mention of a baby being attached to the spear which slew her.

.....

And then, I read this gem from Things I Learn From My Patients:

"If you have vaginal vault prolapse, it is a good idea to put a potato up your vagina to prevent the walls from collapsing. After you've left the potato in there long enough that it begins to sprout, take yourself into the local ER and exclaim, 'There's a tree coming outta my virginy!'"