Ha!

[shanmonster]

From overheardnyc:

Old lady: Good lord, I thought maybe you'd fallen in the toilet again.
Old man: That wasn't my fault and you know it!
Old lady: That is the last time I ever clean the toilet seat and let you sit on it right after.
Old man: Can we just enjoy the show?

--Majestic Theatre, West 44th Street

And from The Virago Book of Fairy Tales comes another fun Inuit tale:

Blubber Boy (Eskimo)

Once there was a girl whose boyfriend drowned in the sea. Her parents could do nothing to console her. Nor did any of the other suitors interest her--she wanted the fellow who drowned and no one else. Finally she took a chunk of blubber and carved it into the shape of her drowned boyfriend. Then she carved the boyfriend's face. It was a perfect likeness.

"Oh, if only he were real!" she thought.

She rubbed the blubber against her genitals, round and round, and suddenly it came alive. Her handsome boyfriend was standing in front of her. How delighted she was! She presented him to her parents saying:

"As you can see, he didn't drown, after all..."

The girl's father gave his daughter permission to marry. Now she went with her blubber boy to a small hut just outside the village. SOmetimes it would get very warm inside this hut. And then the blubber boy would start to get quite weary. At which point he would say: "Rub me, dear." And the girl would rub his entire body against her genitals. This would revive him.

One day the blubber boy was hunting harbor seals and the sun beat down on him harshly. As he paddled his kayak home, he started to sweat. And as he sweated, he got smaller. Half of him had melted away by the time he reached the shore. Then he stepped out of the kayak and fell to the ground, a mere pile of blubber.

"What a pity," said the girl's parents. "And he was such a nice young man, too..."

The girl buried the blubber beneath a pile of stones. THen she went into mourning. She plugged up her left nostril. She did not sew. She ate neither the eggs of sea-birds nor walrus meat. Each day she visited the blubber in its grave and talked to it and as she did so, walked around the grave three times in the direction of the sun.

After the period of mourning, the girl took another chunk of blubber and began carving again. Again she carved it into the shape of her drowned boyfriend and again rubbed the finished product gainst her genitals. Suddenly her boyfriend was standing beside her, saying, "Rub me again, dear..."