shanmonster | Tai Cheese

Oh dear.

I just got back from another Body Flow class. I love this class to death. It's done wonders for my flexibility and strength. It's given me more power in my kicks because of all the low stance training. But (ugh. The cat is barfing furballs all over the floor. BLARGH!) there's this one instructor who makes my mind hurt. She's soooo flaky. She's soooo patronizing. She memorizes everyone's name and greets them all by name at the beginning of the class, and thanks them all at the end. I feel like I'm on Romper Room. Remember that show?

Anyhow, we're doing a new series of movements this time around, and we're doing the "tai chi" bit. She says "Tai chi isn't about how it looks. It's about how it feeeeeeeels!" and "Remember, all tai chi is done with a slight smile."

Urge to kill rising.

The series of movements makes no sense whatsoever. I don't know if it's her fault, or if the series she was given is just plain broken. It seems to go from a dragon with sweeping hands to a horse stance with tiger claws (or her approximation thereof) to another dragon with sweeping hands. The sweeping hands move into a bizarre raise hands then to an incomprehensible tiger claw mushy thing before we circle around down into a dragon again. And then we twist ourselves up in some sort of insideout braided cat stance and do some vague hand waving again. All of the stances are very high, even when she says to make them low.

I guess I'll see if the sequence makes more sense when another instructor goes through it with me.

My mind kept wandering during the poses. It was an attempt to distract myself from the woman's neverending, crystal-licking, fluffy, pagan, crooning diatribe. I found many opportunities to surreptiously ogle the very cute guy behind me. I've never ogled before. It's much more enjoyable than listening to a platitudinous harpy.

When we got to the end with the relaxation and breathing in corpse asana, I tried--I really tried--to focus on my breathing, and to let my body sink down into the floor. But the woman's shrill effervescence kept intruding. At one point, I realized I was making a freakish rictus, and had been doing so for quite some time. The realization made me shudder with suppressed giggles. The more she told us things like "Inhale -- I AM. Exhale -- AT PEACE," the more my body vibrated.

I really don't think I can go to that woman's class anymore. And as

snowy_kathryn says, she knows our names and therefore has power over us. Just like Rumplestiltskin.

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Edit: And I forgot to mention that during one of the "tai chi" exercises, she was moaning and OH-YESSSing just like you'd expect in a porno.