shanmonster | Blast from the Past

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Jeera Sip

A few days ago, my mother-in-law was a sweetie and bought a whole wack of Indian food for us. We got curry paste, candied fennel, and some sort of beverage powder called Jeera Sip. On the box, the refreshing-looking beverage is green like a faded lime Koolade. And, just to sucker you in, the box says "Hygienic, flavourful, and tasty." How could I possibly turn down a hygienic drink?

I opened the packet of powder a few moments ago. Instead of being a bright green, it was a dull brown with khaki undertones. It looked more like dried and crumbled horse shit than a beverage powder. I took a cautious sniff. It smelled a bit spicy, but not too bad. Undaunted, I poured myself a glass of cold water and dumped in a teaspoon of the powder.

Noxious fumes erupted from the glass. It smelled just like someone's ass! I shouted in horror and put the glass down on the stove. f00Dave came running out of his room. "What? What?"

"I'm not drinking that! It stinks!"

f00dave immediately picked up the glass and took a whiff. He staggered back a few steps. "Goddamn!" he squawked.

"Try it," I ordered.

"No fucking way!" he said. "I smelled it. I'm not drinking that--you take a sip."

"I don't think so. It smells like chicken shit." I turned my back on f00 and began to flee the kitchen, looking for a room which didn't reek of jeera shit.

Much to my surprise, I heard f00 pipe up with "This isn't that bad."

I turned and looked as my dear husband poisoned himself with shit-scented toxins. He was drinking the stuff. "It's kind of interesting, actually."

As if controlled by an orbiting mind control laser, I slumped back over to the stove and to certain doom. "I'm not drinking that shit," I said, but my voice wavered. It couldn't be that bad, could it? I mean, f00 was drinking it and wasn't even making faces. And no, he wasn't faking it. He was definitely drinking the stuff.

Against my better judgement, I reached for the glass. Once again, the stench tore my nose asunder. "I, I can't!" I spluttered.

"Just hold your breath."

So I did. I exhaled all the way and took a tiny sip.

All of the sewers in the world emptied into my mouth. I reached warp speeds running to the sink, and there was a definite sonic boom when I spat the foul substance into the sink. A few moments later, f00Dave realized what he had done and bowled me over in an effort to rinse his mouth out with fresh water. He can still smell and taste it, because he spilled some on his goatee.

If it looks like shit, smells like shit, and tastes like shit, it's either shit or Jeera Sip.