shanmonster | Feng Shite

Chances are, you've heard of feng shui, the trendy geomantic art of interior design. Maybe you even have a cute good-luck kitty facing your doorway, and a bit of money in the furthest left corner from your front entrance. If this is the case, I'm sure you must be very prosperous. I mean, Bill Gates must have the very best feng shui masters aligning his bamboo plants and filing cabinets. How else could he have done so well for himself?

Now, don't get me wrong. I don't think there's anything fundamentally wrong with feng shui, when it comes right down to it. The principle of feng shui is to live in harmony with nature, because it will benefit both you and the environment. It seems pretty common-sensical.

If we surround ourselves with symbols of death, contempt and indifference toward life and nature, with noise and various forms of ugliness, we will corrupt ourselves in the process. If we surround ourselves with beauty, gentleness, kindness, sympathy, music and various expressions of the sweetness of life, we ennoble ourselves as well as our environment" (from feng shui).

Ok, so it might make a bit of a Pollyanna out of you.

Even scarier than a world full of Pollyannas are the extremes people take in their devotion to this trendy practice. For example, I know an artisan whose studio is arranged according to feng shui principles. Her workbench is in the coldest part of her building, because that's where the best chi is to be had. Never mind the fact that it's so cold there in the winter that her fingers are numb and she's racked with shivers and constantly suffering from bronchitis, chest colds, and influenza; the chi is right, damnit!

But maybe I hyperbolize. Not much in this world is more frightening than a population of Pollyannas.

Have you heard of feng che, though? According to Beyond Feng Shui, it is a particular variant of feng shui dealing specifically with motor vehicles. Here is a primer:

The Principles of Feng Che: A Primer

Replace all car ornaments with wind chimes, bamboo pipes and red or gold sashes. Remove such objects as velour dice, Fighting Irish Leprechauns or bobbing-head baseball mascots, which deflect positive ch'i away from the vehicle. This is particularly true of leprechauns, whose negative ch'i derives from substratal ethnic incongruity.
Remove all bumper stickers, especially confrontational or vulgar messages. These attract enormous quantities of killer ch'i.
Always drive with the windows closed, even on days when neither heat nor air conditioning is necessary. Open windows squander positive ch'i.
Plug up all apertures such as cigarette lighters, ashtrays, vents, and glove compartments, preventing the egress of positive ch'i. Tape decks and compact disc players must always be occupied by cassettes or CDs.
Never drive to work from the south. If you live far to the south or your office, move. If this is not possible, drive east, then north, then south, but only in a very wide arc. Or hire a driver and sit with your back to him facing an inflatable replica of the Three-Legged Toad God of Wealth.
Never leave your car in the corner of a parking lot, especially if you work in the film industry. There is more negative ch'i in the corner of a Los Angeles parking lot than any other place in the world, not only because of the negative ch'i seeping into the lot from the corners, but because of the residual negative ch'i from all the other drivers who once parked in your spot.
Never try to feng che a station wagon. Sell it, give it away, burn it. Just don't try to feng che it. You are merely throwing good money after bad.

I wonder how this pertains to bicycles....