The First of Interesting People Met at My Summer Job

A man with the piercing fervour of the born-again approached me. He told me he is an artisan specializing in Celtic woodworking. We discussed crafts for a while, and he stood cloer and closer, invading my space in a European manner.

As he pinned me into a corner with his presence, his conversation topic switched without benefit of segue. Of a sudden, he asked me if I had Canadian citizenship.

"Yes, I do."

"Have you upgraded it?"

"Uhhh...." This confused me. "Upgraded it?"

"Yes. Have you had a Canadian citizenship upgrade? You need one."

I looked at him blankly. "I've never heard of such a thing."

"Most people haven't. We're kept in the dark. A veil is drawn over our eyes. For most people, the fabric grows thicker. But for those like me, it's becoming thinner."

The fanatical, Rasputin gleam of the man's eyes was beginning to make sense to me. He was a loon.

"Next week," he continued, "I'll be marching around the city with a new flag. I'm with an initiative to improve the quality of life for children. We are very serious. We're going to remove all poverty and racism."

"Good luck with that," I said.

"Yes, and I want to hold Sacred Circles."

"Oh, you might want to speak with the people next door," I said, probably in an attempt to scrape the guy off me and onto some other poor sap. The shop next door to mine is run by some Mic'Mac people who are into things like sweat lodges and Sacred Circles.

He wholly dismissed that idea: "I'm lightyears ahead of them. Their veil is thick where mine is thin. Conflict has blinded people to the things which truly matter."

At that, he wandered off.

Skinny Puppy Killed the Radio Star

I haven't had an industrial radio show in well over two years, but over the past few weeks, I've been getting a steady influx of emails requesting I play various Skinny Puppy songs. It's rather peculiar. When I ask them, "Play them where?", I get no response.

And then, yesterday, I received a completely different Skinny Puppy request. AmericanPatriot wrote:

It has come to my attention that people from the Skinny Puppy fanbase are requesting songs from the new album. One fan has created a list of stations for people to contact in their area. Recently, this band has been speaking out against the Bush administration's justified war against Iraq. Because of these treasonous actions the organization known as PABAAH is fighting back. We will not tolerate this treason and as a proud American I am requesting you not to play their music. Also, I will contact local stores and request them not to sell this album. We will not stand around and allow bands such as this to use their fame as a platform to spew their hatred against our country. Thank you. I hope you make the right decision. If you don't then we have no choice but to boycott your station.

Bemused, I wrote back, "Skinny Puppy isn't even an American band. How can they be traitors?"

Well, AmericanPatriot set me straight:

Canada would be nowhere without the United States. We're the only thing that's keeping them from being invaded by another superpower. They need to give us a little more respect. Also, from what I understand they're living in California right now. They need to be deported as far as I'm concerned. We have a right as consumers to boycott these bands and request radio statitons to play and not play what we want to hear. That's how the entertainment industry and capitalism works.

So you heard it, folks. In order to be a good Canadian, I must give in to AmericanPatriot's threats. It's the respectful thing to do.

It's almost enough to make me want to resurrect my industrial show and do a Skinny Puppy hour.

Floosh!

Ice-T And David Hasselhoff Team Up For Rap Album: "He's gonna come out as Hassle the Hoff."

Molecules with Silly or Unusual Names: Includes such lovelies as Cummingtonite, Moronic Acid, and Homo-erotic Acid.

How it Feels to Get Shot: It's not quite like Hollywood depicts (what a surprise!).

Selling Son's Beloved Play Station 2 For Punishment! That'll teach the little brat....

The "Funnies": Not all comics are humourous.

Welcome to America: Foreign reporters are not welcome in the US. Really not welcome.

Big, bold butter dogs lap up porno stud roles: "Loads of Japanese porno actresses say their line of work is going to the dogs because they only make half the wages of their canine co-stars." There's another brief snippet on the butter dog phenomenom here. I haven't been able to locate any pictures, but I'm perfectly ok with that.

Liberace's Fabulous Homes: A little ostentatious? Naaaa!

In a Nutshell: Pictorial representation of what menstrual cramps feel like. Pretty darned accurate!

The Worm Within: That isn't spaghetti in your toilet.