A Simple Procedure

Yesterday, I felt absolutely terrible in the morning and ended up calling in sick to work. In the afternoon, I was feeling better, but ended up going in to have a growth removed from my head.

( Here are the results: )

Whinge

My head, back, and stomach hurt. The phone calls are confusing me. And my software's malfunctioning. I wanna go hooooome!

Hockey Night in the Catholic Church

When I was eleven or twelve years old, I lived in a tiny mountain town called Valemount. My family was close friends with several Jehovah's Witness families in the area. I remember how one day, we went to visit the Zurowskis. They had two kids close to the same age as my sister and me: Mickey and Rhonda.

Rhonda was about six years old, and her favourite game was lifting her skirt to show her "pee pee." Mickey liked to play catch. My sister and I liked playing lets-pretend games.

One day, while our parents talked in the Zurowski's kitchen, we kids played in the living room. We were pretty bored, so we turned on the television. Hockey Night in Canada was just starting, and the theme music filled the room. None of us particularly liked hockey, but we decided we would have some fun with it, and we all started pretending to be hockey players.

I somehow got it in my head to pretend to be Jesus, the goalie, while the game took place in a Catholic cathedral. While Mickey pretended to be a priest taking a slapshot at the altar/goal, (He shoots, he misses!), I, being Jesus, saved, of course.

So I started chanting something silly about Jesus saving, and Hockey Night in the Catholic Church, all while the other kids hummed the theme song at full volume. We were having a great time, but then the parents stormed in.

Dad heard the blasphemy issuing from my lips and proceeded to give me a royal beating, reefing on me all while chastising me in righteous indignation. I screamed and cried, and was completely filled with remorse. I'd never meant to hurt Jesus or God. I was so sorry--truly sorry--and I pleaded with Jehovah and Jesus for forgiveness, all while Dad slapped the bejeezus out of me and the other kids stared in shocked, morbid curiosity.

When I got home, I cried myself to sleep, muffling the sobs with my pillow so I couldn't be heard. I couldn't believe how I'd hurt Jesus and Jehovah.

Perhaps Hockey Night in Canada was hurt, too, because they lost a potential viewer due to fear of incipient sacrilege. How was I to know that I'd go on to discover Jesus wasn't a hockey player, but a goth?

Leftover Link Dump

Apparently I'd collated these a week ago and forgot to inflict them upon you.

Enjoy.

I must soon leave for dance class. But first, I want to clean off my computer screen. Check these out:

Man's static jacket sparks alert: So the guy goes on a job interview, and builds up so much of a static charge that he catches the place on fire. The article doesn't say whether or not he got the job.

Authentically Natural Vaginal Flavour: NSFW, duh!

Spectacular Mammatus Clouds over Hastings, Nebraska: I'm envious of the photographer. I've never seen a sky like this.

Lion Cut: That is one pissed-looking cat. My friend Guylaine's cat gets a similar haircut, but she is proud when she gets it. She thinks she's the cat's meow (thanks, fourcorners).

Force-fed women fight the fat: Feeders and Feedees in Mauritania.

18th Century Dildos: "The dildos of the time were used between women. This sort of behaviour was viewed as an introduction to sex and not as a homosexual act." Possibly SFW.

Puppy swallows 13-inch knife, survives: Well, now.

Yellow Bamboo vs. Reality: "Two Brazillian Jiu-Jitsu practitioners from Australia have stepped forward to challenge their local Yellow Bamboo representative to prove once and for all that no-touch or Chi knockouts are, and have always been, complete and utter bullshit."

Idiot puts a scorpion up in his ass: About as work safe as you'd expect.

Dump and RUn

The bedroom I deserve: I'm worth it, damnit (thanks, aubreyweirdsley).

The Crime of "Unauthorized Reproduction": In Indiana, the only bastards had better have been produced by good, old-fashioned fucking, or their Moms could go to jail.

Judge Orders 17-Year-Old Girl Not To Have Sex: At least he didn't send her to Indiana before grounding her.

Woman Ticketed For Sitting On Park Bench With No Kids: And if you're in New York, don't sit on a park bench unless you have kids (preferably produced by fucking).

Dog Has Biggest Tongue: This dog is a freak.

Eviction escape: Man flees, pig attacks: When Babe attacks.

New and improved trailer for The Shining: Brilliant (thanks, officialgaiman)!

Fall From Cliff (by capita): If you're afraid you might die by flying off a cliff, stay away from Austria.

Kids smoking cane toads: Eugh.

Du